Great Public Schools Launch the Rugby Revolution.

The Great Public Schools athletic association is set to introduce the greatest revolution in Rugby Union since William Webb Ellis picked up the ball, after the organisation of Australia’s wealthiest schools granted itself permission to complete its sporting season during COVID-19 restrictions.

The GPS sporting association, which includes The Scots College, Sydney Grammar School and Sydney Boys High School, will play the first ever series of socially distanced rugby in the world. Spokesperson for the association, Richie Power, outlined some of the monumental changes to the sport and their likely impact.

  • No contact – Players may not pass within 1.5 metres of each other, even their teammates.

Rolling mauls will subsequently resemble an interpretive dance, and every line out will be won by the boy with the longest wing span. There’s no chance of hands in the ruck and scrums will become even more farcical than those in the NRL.

  • Try

The game they play in heaven will revert to its roots and tries will be worth 0, but earn the scoring team the right to ‘try’ for a conversion.

“If we awarded points for tries, we’d end up with cricket scores every game, and we know Rugby players can’t count,” explained Power.

Essentially, players cannot touch the ball or any other player with their hands, and can only advance the ball up the field with their feet. The end result will be…soccer.

  • Restricted spectators

Parents and Old Boys can follow the Rugby Revolution from Bellevue Hill to Parramatta. While spectators are prohibited from standing on the side lines, they can chant war cries from the comfort of their Range Rover, Rolls Royce or Bentley, or from their private yacht moored in Lane Cove River, after it has been collected from the Seychelles or Turks and Caicos.

Old Boys of The King’s School are exempt from any COVID-19 restrictions as the school has declared its sizeable territory a sovereign nation not subjected to the laws of Australia.

Critics have slammed the decision to allow the GPS schools to continue their regular sporting fixtures while others schools must still abide by COVID-19 restrictions, but Power defended the move.

“We paid a fortune for our scholarship athletes, sorry students, and we demand a return on our investment. If not, we’ll have to send them back to the western suburbs or an island in the South Pacific, or simply let them study, learn and improve their academic and employment prospects”

“In addition, we need to be able to channel our considerable government funding into extravagant sporting facilities and specialised coaches. Otherwise we’d be forced to give our Teachers such an enormous pay rise that they could finally afford to live within an hour of their workplace.”

“Without Rugby, we would just be public schools, and that’s not great.”

First published in The Beast Magazine, October 2020.

Image: http://www.greenandgoldrugby.com

Celebrate Life at Bronte SLSC

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Eastern Suburbs, your new lifestyle destination is here: welcome to Bronte’s Sartorially Luxurious Seaside Citadel (SLSC).

This architecturally-designed super structure promises a new era of dining, entertainment and self-awareness, nestled betwixt azure waters and Bronte-next-the-Sea. Immerse yourself in the essence of Eastern coastal living and witness first-hand the dramatic transformation of the 1970s club house into an unrivalled social precinct, envisioned for your pleasure by renowned architect Haiyer Price.

Traverse the endless attractions of an edifice stretching from its original location to Bronte Road and the golden sands of Bronte Beach. Rescue boards, rescue tubes, swim fins, G-sleds and the club’s IRB will adorn the walls throughout the structure, and an effortless coastal chic informs the aesthetic of this rewarding immersive experience.

Satisfy your deepest craving in the Michelin-starred gastronomy sector, which occupies the entire top floor, and hold court at Sydney’s first doggie café, because nothing is more important than your precious pooch. Treat your furry friend to a dog massage and a makeover with our exclusive on-site canine stylist.

Bask in the karmic cognizance that your single meal purchase will recoup the $9million cost of the refurbishment, and gasp in wonderment that a renovation in the Eastern Suburbs could be achieved with such a meagre outlay.

Step from the gastronomy sector through floor to ceiling windows to the Wave Wall and watch hapless swimmers succumb to the current beside the reef, before congratulating the designers on the choice of the IRB as a decorative centrepiece.

Savour seafood delights and marvel at the most recent incarnation of the Bronte train as it delivers delectable sushi and sashimi dishes in our highly acclaimed CityZen restaurant. Feast on mouth-watering Japanese dishes prepared with seafood sourced entirely from the Pacific Ocean (off Japan).

Reinvent yourself with a blissful Yoga or wellbeing session on our world-first glass-bottomed YouGa platform, suspended over the refreshing waters of the bogey hole. Rest assured that Doggie Yoga is available, because nothing is more important than your precious pooch. For a truly invigorating experience, slide serenely from the YouGa platform into the calming waters of the bogey hole, now accessible only to VIP members of Bronte SLSC.

Bronte SLSC also delivers an interactive experience. Members and their guest are encouraged to seek out the official guest book, and tell everyone what they would have done differently with the renovation. Conversely, members of Bondi SLSC are offered the chance to visit an archival display of the world’s oldest surf club, and the opportunity to rewrite history.

Bathe in the rejuvenating potential of a destination freed of the impediment of a surf lifesaving club and its iconic Australian volunteers, and live the life you deserve.

Bronte SLSC, so Eastern Suburbs…

First published in The Beast magazine, September 2020

Image: Australia247info

Carpark Conundrum

The debates, the discussions, the proposals and humdrum,

A world-famous beach and its carpark conundrum.

Build it ABOVE GROUND, came a councillor’s motion

But why an above ground? Just swim in the ocean.

Well UNDER GROUND, then, is the perfect solution,

Until ice caps melt from car-borne pollution.

Warn us, they did, that cars would start floating

As suburbs like Bondi kept bulging and bloating.

So, HOME GROUND, said locals, with spots just for us,

While those labelled ‘other’ must cram on the bus.

Or HOME GROUND for athletes, so guts they can bust,

While their current home ground turns to rubble and dust.

Waratahs, Roosters, Sky Blues and Swans

Can be sheltered alongside those striving for tons.

An UNDER ARM carpark, for those for whom laws,

Are as easily tampered with as red leather balls.

The voices grew louder, with yet more ideas,

And echoed the sound of the changing of gears.

Why, UNDER COVER, and be it constructed with stealth,

To protect all our cherished assertions of wealth.

Or INBOUND, cried tourists, enjoying their trip,

Without us, who else will get caught in the rip?

But, OUTBOUND is better, for serving the function

Of keeping the Westies holed up at the Junction.

Be OUTGROWN it will, as more residents arrive,

And through poor public planning they are all forced to drive.

Thus, INGROWN, the carpark pierced through the thin

Perfectly sculpted, tanned Bondi skin.

The longer debated, the deeper it burrowed,

Incessant dull pain causing brows to be furrowed.

It gnawed at locals and pollies alike,

But is rendered redundant with the push of a bike.

So, while pushers of pens kept on talking and talking,

A solution was found, and the answer was…walking.

Image:www.timeout.com