Australian Government to Pay Prisoners.

The Australian Government has shocked the world after launching a program to pay lucrative salaries to criminals. The world-first program will award salaries of up to $AU550,000 to prison inmates who have been found guilty of a range of crimes.

Prisoners will collect anywhere between $AU200,000 to $AU550,000 per annum depending on the nature of their crime and their status within the prison system. Prison gang leaders who achieve their title through bullying, cunning, treachery and cruelty stand to benefit the most from the scheme.

The plan was announced during the worst recession in the country since the great depression as Australia continues to suffer the economic consequences of the COVID-19 pandemic. This fact has drawn strong criticism of the scheme from an already frustrated populace, who witnessed the damage to the economy even before the pandemic.

“This plan is preposterous, outrageous, unfathomable and the worst example of public policy in Australian history” claimed critics across mass media.

“Anyone who has been proven to have committed a crime should not be paid a salary by taxpayers, let alone a salary as high as 500,000 dollars. Crimes of any form destroy the fabric of a society and detract from the lives of the victims, and in many cases they threaten the safety of the country and its institutions.”

Commentators questioned how the government could justify the policy when university academics are taking pay cuts or losing their jobs, when workers at the front line of the pandemic are denied sufficient personal protection equipment and when support for family child care expenses is being taken away.

One critic also highlighted the fact that many prisoners would never be able to earn $AU200,000 a year out in the real world.

In response to the criticism of the program, the current Australian government circulated a photo of the Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, building a hen house in his backyard.

Critics and everyday Australian citizens are also horrified that the scheme will award a pension to law breakers once they leave prison. The pension will gift criminals an average of $AU150,000 a year.

“Providing yet more taxpayers’ money to people who have committed crimes is even more ludicrous, especially since many criminals walk out of prison straight into a role as a consultant.

The public would be amazed to discover how many criminals are collecting handsome pay packets from book publishers and from streaming services who pay for inmates’ inside knowledge every time they need to make another gritty reality series about crime and prisons.”

Image: Milad B. Fakurian

Scott Morrison appoints David Dench as Education Advisor.

The Prime Minister of Australia has appointed former AFL player David Dench as Education Advisor in a move that has shocked the nation. Dench will advise the prime minister and the federal Minister for Education Dan Tehan in matters of education pertaining specifically to universities.

“My government is committed to education and to providing world-class facilities and services to the people of this great nation,” Morrison stated.

“Education will make this nation great again and it needs to be properly funded. For this reason, I have personally appointed Mr Dench as Education Advisor with special responsibility for funding.”

Political observers were left stunned by the shock announcement, and questioned the credentials of someone with no political or educational expertise, who made their fame playing Australian Rules Football.

Mr Morrison justified the appointment by referencing Dench’s unique and specific experience with university finances.

Dench spent four months in jail in 2008 as punishment for his role in a scheme to defraud Victoria University out of millions of dollars. The former North Melbourne fullback and captain was charged specifically with nine counts of obtaining property by deception and aiding and abetting the receipt of a secret commission.

“Mr Dench is exactly the person we need advising our government,” said Mr Tehan.

“His interaction with the university sector reflects the funding priorities of the LNP for tertiary education in this country, and his invaluable advice will inform our policies relating to this industry as long as we are in government.”

“Furthermore, the COVID-19 pandemic has greatly impacted upon universities in Australia, particularly as many have lost their overseas students and are struggling financially. The manner in which universities and tertiary institutions are managed in the near future will go a long way towards determining the academic and economic prosperity of the nation, and that is why we are so excited to bring Mr Dench into our ministry in an advisory capacity.”

The prime minister and Mr Tehan refused to be drawn on the exact sum Dench will be paid in his advisory role, but explained that he will share an office with TV host Scott Cam.

Image: Craig Greenhill

Australian Students to Study Nothing but Marketing.

The Australian government’s attempt to de-clutter the school curriculum will see Australian school students study nothing but marketing from 2021.

The move comes at the behest of the current Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, and has won support from coalition members from every Australian state and territory.

“Marketing is all one needs to know in order to succeed in this country,” announced a press release from federal Minister for Education Dan Tehan.

“Look at the prime minster. He rose to the highest office in the land through nothing but public relations spin, and was only inserted into the role when our party re-branded itself after the Turnbull era.”

“Such is his reliance upon marketing spin that he earned the nickname ‘Scotty from Marketing’. Of course, he prefers his official nickname, ScoMo. In fact, assigning nicknames is one of the first modules students study under this exciting new curriculum, before they delve into ‘The Art of the Slogan’.”

State and territory governments traditionally set the specific curriculum for their jurisdiction in Australia, but the massive overhaul will see the introduction of a national curriculum. Conservative ministers believe the new curriculum will de-clutter and simplify teaching programs and allow teachers to get ‘back to basics’.

The Back to Basics call is made before every major election and allows politicians to pretend they will improve students literacy, numeracy and thinking skills through the explicit teaching of times tables, spelling, punctuation and grammar. This time, politicians can promise to instil in young Australians the one life skill through which the Liberal National Party survives.

As a result of the changes, students will no longer study traditional subjects such as Maths, English Literature, Physics, Geography and Biology.

“The current government has proven that accurate scientific knowledge is simply redundant in the modern age,” explained Tehan, before outlining more details.

“Humanities subjects such as History will be wiped from the curriculum, because this subject breeds bleeding heart, black armband lefties who insist on re-writing history.”

“Environmental education will certainly be scrapped, because our current policies will ensure Australia has no natural environment to study in 20 years time.”

Students will be provided with world-leading instruction on public relations and will learn to devise and use slogans such as:

“Less activism, more marketing”

“Spin to win”

“Rort your Sport”

“Manage the mainstream media”

“Dictator Dan”

“Murdoch and Me”

“Deny and Deflect”

“Bogans love Slogans”

Some elements of the old curriculum will surface in the new marketing curriculum, however. Creative writing is necessary for the creation of slogans, press releases, policy announcements and speech writing, while artists are needed to create the ‘look’ and ‘sound’ of any re-branding exercise.

“Mathematical knowledge helps us to doctor figures which highlight the failures of our party, and to blame any economic failure on Labor.”

“Sport and physical education subjects will remain, because politicians gain enormous public relations benefits from pretending to support sporting teams. Furthermore, the promotion of militarism cannot continue at its current pace without fit, healthy young Australians to join the defence force.”

Furthermore, every school in the country will study Christianity, regardless of whether students or families adhere to a different faith or no faith at all.

“We’re sure the students will love the rock music during church services,” affirmed Tehan.

Image: Element5Digital

Scott Morrison imprisoned for UnAustralian activities.

EXCLUSIVE: The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, has been found guilty of the highest form of treason and will become the first leader of Australia to spend the rest of his life in prison. Morrison was found to have knowingly engaged in UnAustralian activities and will be immediately transferred from The Lodge to a maximum-security facility on Christmas Island.

The sudden removal of the prime minister and the ensuing silence from the Department of Home Affairs will no doubt prompt wild speculation as to the specific actions which landed Morrison in prison.

Pundits are expected to cite the corruption, adultery and endless scandals of his LNP colleagues, and his unwavering devotion to the fossil fuel industry, which will see the opening of new coal mines, including one directly underneath Sydney’s water catchment. Fingers will be pointed at the SportsRorts saga, the trial of Witness K, the military budget and the collusion with Clive Palmer which helped Morrison to win the unwinnable federal election.

Blame will undoubtedly be laid at Morrison’s attempt to re-write Australian history by publicly denying the existence of slavery in the country, and the country’s steady descent into authoritarianism under his rule.

Anonymous sources within the Department of Home Affairs have suggested to The Beast that the dismissal may have been a reaction to Morrison’s adoption of socialism during the COVID-19 pandemic. The use of state money to pay the wages of thousands of citizens for an extended period of time may have boosted his approval rating, conceded the source, but angered powerful elements within the hard right of the LNP.

An accusation of treason implies an attack on the core values and traditions of a nation; an act as treacherous as eating a meat pie with cutlery, drinking warm beer, enjoying a burger without beetroot or knowing all the words to Advance Australia Fair. It could even include hoarding toilet paper. Morrison, however, has done something far worse, something that strikes at the very heart of the nation.

“He switched footy teams,” explained the source.

“Scott Morrison was born and raised in the heartland of the Sydney/ Eastern Suburbs Roosters, but now supports the Cronulla Sharks. You don’t do that”

“Even if switching teams wins votes in the Shire and smooths the path to the nation’s top job, you don’t switch footy teams. It’s UnAustralian.”

Morrison, meanwhile, has been denied the right to a fair trial and the right to comment publicly, but did manage to slip a short statement to the magazine which represents the people of his homeland.

“If you’re thinking of switching footy teams halfway through your life, don’t do it. Just don’t do it.”

First published in The Beast magazine, September 2020

Image: Craig Greenhill

Scott Morrison forced to wear FitBit in order to redeem parliamentary pension.

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The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, will be required to wear a FitBit and maintain an acceptable level of physical health in order to receive his parliamentary pension once he retires from politics.

The order was given after Morrison recently revealed via social media that he is unfit to govern.

“The political pension in Australia is very generous,” read a statement from the Governor General’s office, which mandated the program.

“Politicians should earn this pension, and this includes maintaining a reasonable level of physical health. Mr Morrison is clearly unfit to govern, so he has been given a FitBit.”

The program will force Morrison, and other politicians, to walk a minimum number of steps every day, to maintain a healthy heart rate and reasonable weight, and reach an acceptable level of physical fitness. If they cannot do this, they will not receive the pension.

” We know Mr Morrison must make a drastic change if he is to be fit to govern, but we believe the motivation is sufficient.”

Other politicians will also have to lift their game.

“Pauline Hanson will wear one next time she runs out of breath halfway up a sacred site. We’re also looking forward to analysing the data from George Christensen and Clive Palmer. Even though Palmer didn’t get elected, he had a huge impact on the last federal election. We were anticipating some impressive figures from Tony Abbott, but instead we will have to focus on ex-world champion Zali Steggal.”

Australian politicians will not be the first government employees forced to wear fitness devices.

Teachers in West Virginia, USA, were forced to wear a FitBit type device in order to keep their health insurance, as outlined in Michael Moore’s documentary “Farenheit 11/9”.

The major difference between the two programs is that the one in the US was very, very real.

The move is expected to limit the photo opportunities featuring Morrison drinking beer at the footy. It is unclear how it will impact on the prime minister’s approval rating in a country struggling to combat obesity.

Image:www.gettyimages.com.au