Great Public Schools Launch the Rugby Revolution.

The Great Public Schools athletic association is set to introduce the greatest revolution in Rugby Union since William Webb Ellis picked up the ball, after the organisation of Australia’s wealthiest schools granted itself permission to complete its sporting season during COVID-19 restrictions.

The GPS sporting association, which includes The Scots College, Sydney Grammar School and Sydney Boys High School, will play the first ever series of socially distanced rugby in the world. Spokesperson for the association, Richie Power, outlined some of the monumental changes to the sport and their likely impact.

  • No contact – Players may not pass within 1.5 metres of each other, even their teammates.

Rolling mauls will subsequently resemble an interpretive dance, and every line out will be won by the boy with the longest wing span. There’s no chance of hands in the ruck and scrums will become even more farcical than those in the NRL.

  • Try

The game they play in heaven will revert to its roots and tries will be worth 0, but earn the scoring team the right to ‘try’ for a conversion.

“If we awarded points for tries, we’d end up with cricket scores every game, and we know Rugby players can’t count,” explained Power.

Essentially, players cannot touch the ball or any other player with their hands, and can only advance the ball up the field with their feet. The end result will be…soccer.

  • Restricted spectators

Parents and Old Boys can follow the Rugby Revolution from Bellevue Hill to Parramatta. While spectators are prohibited from standing on the side lines, they can chant war cries from the comfort of their Range Rover, Rolls Royce or Bentley, or from their private yacht moored in Lane Cove River, after it has been collected from the Seychelles or Turks and Caicos.

Old Boys of The King’s School are exempt from any COVID-19 restrictions as the school has declared its sizeable territory a sovereign nation not subjected to the laws of Australia.

Critics have slammed the decision to allow the GPS schools to continue their regular sporting fixtures while others schools must still abide by COVID-19 restrictions, but Power defended the move.

“We paid a fortune for our scholarship athletes, sorry students, and we demand a return on our investment. If not, we’ll have to send them back to the western suburbs or an island in the South Pacific, or simply let them study, learn and improve their academic and employment prospects”

“In addition, we need to be able to channel our considerable government funding into extravagant sporting facilities and specialised coaches. Otherwise we’d be forced to give our Teachers such an enormous pay rise that they could finally afford to live within an hour of their workplace.”

“Without Rugby, we would just be public schools, and that’s not great.”

First published in The Beast Magazine, October 2020.

Image: http://www.greenandgoldrugby.com

To hell with Israel Folau

folau

Professional footballers throughout the world have united in response to Israel Folau’s warning that most of them will go to hell.

The players flocked to #ToHellWithIzzy on social media upon learning that their recreational activities have condemned them all to eternal damnation.

Folau created enormous controversy when his social media post claimed that hell awaits Drunks, Homosexuals, Adulterers, Liars, Fornicators, Thieves, Atheists and Idolators. In response to the post, footballers used #ToHellWithIzzy to list the actions which will see them spend eternity with the devil.

Players confessed their sins in an attempt to win The Frownlow Medal or be inducted into The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame. The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player from across Australia’s four major football codes who commits the most scandalous off-field act in any one season, while the hall of fame honours the greats of the past.

Some of the stars who have united under #ToHellWithIzzy include:

Drunks – Too many to mention, including Brad Fittler, who police once labelled ‘the drunkest human being ever’.

Homosexuals – Are there any gay male footballers playing first grade in Australia?

Adulterers – Wayne Carey, who famously slept with the wife of his teammate. Garry Lyon, who famously slept with the wife of Billy Brownless.

Liars – Jordan de Goey, who blamed his dog for a hand injury, which he actually sustained at a nightclub.

Fornicators – The part-time pornstars, who all appeared in a sex tape which surfaced online: Dylan ‘Big Papi’ Napa, Tyrone May, Tyrone Phillips, Liam Coleman. Sonny Bill Williams, famous for a rendezvous in a toilet at a Sydney pub. Corey Norman, who won The Frownlow Medal in 2016.

Thieves – Quade Cooper, who once stole two laptops. Garry Sullivan, who served time in prison for multiple armed robberies.

Atheists – ?

Idolators – Most professional footballers, who worship their own shirtless form on social media.

Image:www.stuff.co.nz