Thousands of NSW teachers issued with fines.

Thousands of NSW school teachers have been issued with fines on the eve of the summer holidays after being caught committing heinous acts of treason.

Every registered primary and secondary school teacher has received a fine of at least $100 from the NSW government, which must be paid in order for teachers to keep their jobs in 2021. It is believed similar fines have been issued to teachers throughout the country.

The penalty must be paid to a branch of the NSW government calling itself the New South Wales Education Standards Authority (NESA), which then issues teachers with something called Accreditation. Without Accreditation, teachers cannot work in any recognised educational institution in the state.

NESA stated the fines were issued in retaliation for teachers committing crimes against the nation.

“Teachers are being punished for educating the next generation of Australians,” announced a spokesperson.

“They have done so willingly and ceaselessly, and against the wishes of the current state and federal governments. An educated population is harder to control. An educated population would never have elected a failed marketing man as prime minister. An educated population would never fall for Scott Morrison’s marketing spin. An educated population would not swallow Murdoch propaganda, and an educated population would never excuse the corruption of ‘poor Gladys’. For their continued insistence on educating the populace, teachers have been issued with fines.”

The punishment does not end with fines, however.

Once the fines are paid, teachers must then participate in mandated professional development sessions throughout the year. Most of these sessions will take place during teachers’ free time, and while some of the sessions are free, many also incur a charge. Thus, on top of their annual fine, lowly paid teachers are also forced to spend their hard earned money on work-related training with little or no tangible benefit to them or the children they teach.

NESA rejected claims that Accreditation simply adds another layer of paperwork to an already over beauracratised occupation.

“Without the processing of mandated fees and professional development sessions, our staff would not have any boxes to tick, and without boxes to tick, they would be at a loss.”

NESA also argues that Accreditation brings the teaching profession in line with other occupations such as law, medicine, and finance, which all have membership organisations upholding professional standards. Excited teachers then asked if teaching salaries would now be commensurate with those professions, but the government replied,

“No, that would be UnAustralian.”

Image: Element5Digital

Australians care more about their dogs than their prime minister.

Sorry Scotty, but it seems Australians care more about their dogs than they do about you.

Feedback on recent articles centred on Scott Morrison and dog owners demonstrates a much greater passion for people’s four legged friends than for their prime minister.

The articles in question are numerous satirical texts published in a monthly magazine called The Beast, which is distributed in Bondi and the eastern beaches of Sydney.

The first article concerning the prime minister was titled:

“Scott Morrison Imprisoned for UnAustralian Activities”

It suggested that the current elected leader of the democratic nation of Australia should spend the rest of his life in bars – effective immediately. It listed many real shortcomings of the prime minister and his colleagues, and focussed on one particular action which is UnAustralian (you’ll have to read the article to find out).

Other articles were titled:

“The Shire Sends ScoMo Back to Where He Came From”

“Waverley’s Nightwatchman Scores a Century”

The articles provoked no response. No letters were sent directly to the author. No letters to the editor were published in the following issues, despite the fact that Morrison grew up in the eastern suburbs, went to school in the area and still has family and friends in the area. The region is also a safe seat for the Liberal Party, Morrison’s party.

Not one reader leapt to his defence.

Why?

The nickname “Scotty” may explain their reluctance. Educated and informed Australians call Morrison ‘Scotty from Marketing’ because they know he is nothing more than a Liberal National Party re-branding exercise. The previous leader, Malcolm Turnbull was seen as aloof and unapproachable. Thus, Rupert Murdoch, Gina Rinehart and Liberal powerbrokers removed Turnbull and installed Morrison, and sent him forth to drink beer, watch football and spout meaningless slogans.

‘Liar from the Shire’ is another popular nickname. The Shire is the region of southern Sydney which Morrison represents, and Morrison is famous for lying about many of his own policy failures. It is also commonly known that Morrison only won preselection for the safe Liberal seat after moving out of the eastern suburbs and running a dirty tricks campaign against the other Liberal candidate.

Australians also know that Morrison is merely a puppet of Rupert Murdoch and the fossil fuel industry. Perhaps readers of The Beast did not rush to defend the prime minister because they are starting to see through the spin.

Maybe the satirical articles have no impact.

Perhaps, but the reponse to the dog articles would suggest otherwise.

Recent articles about dog owners in the eastern suburbs have carried the following titles:

“Safe Injecting Space Planned for Mackenzies Bay”

“Free Literacy Classes for Eastern Suburbs Dog Parents”

“Dog Owners Kicked off Clovelly Dog Park”

All of these articles criticise eastern suburbs dog owners, primarily because they walk their dogs in off-leash areas and ignore the local rules.

Every single article about dogs and dog owners provokes a flood of responses. Readers launch into an attack on the author and the content of the articles. Feedback is impassioned, emotional, personal and usually filled with profanity.

Mistake-ridden responses include phrases such as

“Fuck you and your shit article…”

“Up you’res kieran im gonna take 10 Dogs n do drugzzzz”

Other responses are not suitable for public viewing.

Dog owners react strongly to every single article written about the topic of dogs and the actions of their owners, but ignore articles about the person who runs their country, who was born and bred in the eastern suburbs.

Australians clearly care more about their dogs than their prime minister.

Images: Gabriel Crismariu, Craig Greenhill

Australians to be denied lifesaving surgery.

The Australian government has angered the nation after announcing a new policy that will prohibit lifesaving surgery for seriously ill patients.

Australians will be forced to tolerate any illness or disease which threatens their future health or even their lives, and will be prohibited from receiving treatment for illnesses such as cancer.

“There is a prevailing belief that a disease, illness or affliction which harms or kills the host body must be removed or eliminated,” announced federal Minister for Health Greg Hunt.

“This leads to doctors and surgeons removing or eliminating illnesses such as cancer from people’s bodies, so that the patient can survive. It is also the reason for the global effort to develop a vaccine for COVID-19.”

Hunt argued that if this principle was applied to other contexts in day to day life, it would create major implications for the nation. To prove his argument, Hunt cited Rupert Murdoch and NewsCorp which are regarded as a cancer on democracy in The US, The UK and Australia.

“Does that mean we have to remove Rupert and NewsCorp from Australia, before it kills the country?”

“That would require actions such as a royal commission into media ownership or some form of regulation of the content produced by NewsCorp on a daily basis,” Hunt explained.

“Without Rupert’s propaganda, there is no way my party will win the next election.”

Hunt then referred to Brumbies in the Australian bush.

“Feral horses, known affectionately as ‘Brumbies’, destroy the ecology of our wilderness, including in our national parks. Some people seem to think that if something is so obviously destructive, it should be eliminated.”

“But these invasive animals are ‘heritage horses’. Aussies hold them up as symbols of our great nation, and people are forgetting that misguided, inaccurate and outdated notions of Australian identity are a cornerstone of our culture.”

Hunt then explained that the flawed thinking of removing that which threatens its host would necessitate much greater regulations on cats, because they are the single most destructive introduced species in Australia, as well as a rapid transition from fossil fuels to renewable energy.

“Finally, we would also have to remove from Australia elements such as Pauline Hanson and Clive Palmer. They do so much damage to our national institutions, but they proved enormously useful to the Liberal National Coalition in recent years.”

Images: http://www.worldatlas.com, http://www.redlandcitybulletin.com.au

Scott Morrison stars in The Perfect Puppet.

The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, will perform the lead role in a rollicking new stage show called The Perfect Puppet, set to hit theatres this summer. The hilarious pantomime follows the jovial and bumbling lead puppet Scotty through an endless series of mishaps and misadventures with his band of hapless friends.

The stage show will be performed under the direction of revered puppet masters Rupert Murdoch and Gina Rinehart, and is sure to fill theatres during the Christmas holidays, especially since the show has been given special permission to ignore any and all social distancing restrictions.

The PM delivers an outstanding performance as the likable and bumbling protagonist Scotty who leads the audience through unforgettable scenes such as:

Jenny and The Girls

Holidays in Hawaii

Malfeasant Malcolm

Slogans for Bogans

I Dug A Hole

I Stopped the Boats, and…

I Fracked My Pants at Engadine Maccas.

Throughout the show, Scotty’s friends drag him into all manner of problems which look certain to destroy the popular puppet forever. But Scotty’s puppet masters and his deity save him from every situations and he escapes with merely a scratch.

“We had no hesitation in casting Morrison for this role,” stated Murdoch and Rinehart.

“He is the perfect puppet in every way.”

“His range is phenomenal. Throughout the show he transforms into characters as diverse as Daggy Dad, Captain Corruption, Captain Coal, Liar from The Shire, Scotty from Marketing, Sham Sharkie, the Misogynist, the Crazy Christian, The Denier and The Job Faker, all with his trademark smirk.

“The entire time, the audience is captivated by his on-stage persona and come to love him more and more.”

Morrison is said to have thrown himself into the role with his famed dedication and selflessness.

“His commitment to the role has been astounding,” continued Murdoch. “He even constructed his own puppet stage in the backyard to practice for the role – and got Jenny and the girls to rehearse with him.”

Morrison is expected to headline The Perfect Puppet well into 2021, or until Rupert and Gina find a more suitable lead puppet. Tickets for the live show are on sale now and can be obtained through any NewsCorp publication.

Images: Twitter, Craig Greenhill

Controversy surrounds the selection of the Prime Minister’s XI.

Australians have reacted with shock and horror to the selection of the latest Prime Minister’s XI on the eve of another season of cricket Down Under.

Prime Minster Scott Morrison has put forward his XI, and none of them play cricket. Instead, Morrison has selected 11 of the most corrupt and scandal-prone members of his Liberal National Party coalition to represent the country on the world stage and protect Australia’s international reputation.

The prime minster traditionally selects a national team to play invitational matches against visiting nations, usually as a warm up for games against Australia’s top team. The players are normally young and have not yet worn the famous baggy green cap which signifies selection in the national team.

The controversial list contains no opening batsman, no wicket keeper, no pace bowler or spinner, and no recognised all rounder. None of the XI have played at state level in the five day or limited overs format, not even T20. None of the PM’s team members have worn the baggy green, and none of them will ever deserve to wear it.

The 2020 Prime Minister’s XI:

Coach – Scott Morrison

  1. Angus Taylor – Forged information about Sydney Lord Mayor Clover Moore. Grassgate.

2. Bridget McKenzie – Sports rorts.

3. Barnaby Joyce – Watergate. Adultery.

4. Peter Dutton – Au-Pair scandal. Joked about rising sea levels. Comments about African gang violence. Insulted female journalist. Offshore detention. Racism. Ignored official apology to Stolen Generations. Paladin.

5. Sussan Ley– Luxury apartment scandal. Overseeing the destruction of Australia’s environment as Minister for the Environment.

6. Christian Porter– Adultery. Covered up Alan Tudge’s adultery. Publicly defended Robodebt. Appointments to the Administrative Appeals Tribunal.

7. Alan Tudge – Adultery, covered up Christian Porter’s adultery.

8. Stuart Robert – Robodebt

9. George Christensen – Asian strip clubs. Ban the burqa. Stop same-sex marriage. Deny climate change. Cut immigration.

10. Paul Fletcher – $30m purchase of land for new Sydney airport. Australia Post scandal.

11. Mathias Cormann – Helloworld Travel scandal

Reserves:

Michaelia Cash, David Littleproud, Matt Canavan, Richard Colbeck, Michael McCormack, Greg Hunt, Craig Kelly, Gladys Liu, Michael Sukkar, Josh Frydenberg, Jason Falinski, Andrew Hastie.

Critics have slammed the selection arguing that members lack the necessary competence or skill to be elevated to such a lofty position, and are incapable of playing the game in the right spirit. They also worry about Australia’s international reputation, which is still recovering from cricket’s ball-tampering scandal.

In response, Morrison argued that every member deserved to be selected in the team.

“The hardest part as selector was leaving people out,” he said.

“We could have formed another XI with LNP members who have all done more than enough to earn selection. I dare say that in the near future, they will put a lot of pressure on those already selected.

Image: Alessandro Bogliari

Political Scandal Mix and Match.

Political Scandal Mix and Match is an exciting new card game the whole family can enjoy, and it’s out just in time for Christmas. Match the Australian politician to the scandal they committed and impress family friends with your knowledge of Australia’s crumbling democracy.

Do you know who was responsible for Sports Rorts?

Can you remember who committed adultery with their own staffer?

How did Angus Taylor corrupt his office, and how did Sam Dastyari make headlines for all the wrong reasons?

These questions and more will challenge you in this fun and easy to follow matching game.

Play individually or in teams, with just two sets of cards. One set of cards contains the names of corrupt politicians. The other set contains the specific scandal the politician committed. All you have to do is match the politician to the correct scandal.

It’s That Easy!

Actually, there are a few curve balls thrown in. We can’t make it too easy. Remember that some politicians have committed more than one scandal, so you’ll have to match them with more than one card. What’s more, individual scandals often involved more than one politician, so pay attention.

Political scandals don’t just involve corruption, and this is where the game gets really interesting. Australia’s leaders have abused their office with acts of immoral and unethical behaviour, deceit, neglect and gross incompetence, and this game lets you relive the greatest moments in Australia’s recent political history.

Clear a space on the dining table because there are many cards in this game, detailing the politicians and scandals listed below:

 PoliticianParty
1Scott MorrisonLiberal
2Bridget McKenzieNational
3Angus TaylorLiberal
4Peter DuttonLiberal
5Barnaby JoyceNational
6Michaelia CashLiberal
7Sam DastyariLabour
8Stuart RobertLiberal
9Pauline HansonPHON
10John BarilaroNational
11George ChristensenNational
12Matt CanavanNational
13Andrew RobbLiberal
14Mathias CormannLiberal
15Richard ColbeckLiberal
16Malcolm RobertsPHON
17Andrew BroadNational
18David LittleproudNational
19Alexander DownerLiberal
20Josh FrydenbergLiberal
21Alan TudgeLiberal
22Paul FletcherLiberal
23Christian PorterLiberal
24Sussan LeyLiberal
25Eddie ObeidLabor
26Steve DicksonPHON
27Gladys BerejiklianLiberal
28Daryl MaguireLiberal
 Scandal
1Said Melburnians were afraid to go to restaurants because of African gang violence.
2Made a joke about rising sea levels threatening low-lying Pacific Island nations.
3Sent a text message calling a female journalist a “mad fucking witch”
4Claimed allowing Lebanese Muslims into Australia was a “mistake” and was to blame for higher crime rates in Western Sydney.
5Called refugees “illiterate and innumerate”.
6Proposed a special visa be made available to white South African farmers.
7Labelled Australian Doctor an “online leftist publication that really carries no weight”
8Refused to attend Kevin Rudd’s official apology to the Stolen Generations in 2008, and threatened to resign his portfolio over the issue.
9Overruled the advice of immigration authorities to grant a French woman a visa after being lobbied by AFL boss Gil McLachlan. The Au Pair scandal.
10Sports Rorts
11Unable to cite figures related to deaths in nursing homes, despite being minster responsible for aged care.
12Walked out of the senate while being questioned by the opposition about the aged care sector.
13Helloworld travel scandal
14Claimed that “many instances” of domestic violence allegations are made up by parents to gain custody of their children.
15Called climate change a UN conspiracy
16The sugar baby scandal. Dated and sexted with “Sweet Sophia Rose” during work trip to HK, partially paid for by taxpayers. Story published in New Idea
17had an affair with his staffer, who became pregnant, the subject of a sexual harassment allegation
18Compared gay men to rams having sex in paddocks.
19Said that the role of a father is to take their teenage daughter on a date
20Has direct family links to the $20 million Murray-Darling Basin fraud
21Murray-Darling Basin Watergate scandal
22Bought water through buyback at inflated prices and the funnelled the money to an overseas company based in the Cayman Islands
23Accepted bribes from Woodside Energy while Foreign Affairs Minister. Joined Woodside Energy after retiring from politics
24Bugged offices of Timor Leste government to assist Woodside Energy to gain rights for resource projects in Timor Sea
25Accepted bribes from Chinese officials to finalise a trade deal
26Grassgate
27Accused of criminal behaviour after keeping a man in immigration detention for five days after the man was granted a temporary protection visa.
28Robodebt
29His department released the private welfare details of a Centrelink customer.
30Accused of interfering in a police investigation after phoning the NSW police commissioner
31Witnessed the Prime Minister call NSW police commissioner during an ongoing police investigation.
32Campaign bus scandal
33Accused of falsifying information to attack Sydney lord mayor Clover Moore’s record on climate change
34Her staff alerted the media that police would raid the Melbourne offices of the Australian Workers Union in 2017
35She threatened to name female political staffers “over which… rumours abound”.
36Responsible for ‘unethical’ purchase of land for new Sydney airport. Paid $30 million, land worth $3 million
37Resigned from the front bench due to expenses scandal
38Used taxpayers’ money to attend two New Year’s Eve events hosted by a prominent Queensland businesswoman and donor
39Purchased a $795,000 luxury apartment on the Gold Coast while on a taxpayer funded trip. Claimed it was an impulse purchase.
40tried to claim almost $38,000 for his home internet bill
41Helped a friend and Liberal donor sign a deal in China while holding shares in the company at the centre of the scandal.
42Resigned amid increasing concern over his relationship with China and businessman Huang Xiangmo
43Allowed Sydney-based Top Education Institute to pay a $1,670.82 travel bill after he spent his Parliamentary travel budget.
44Acted in a corrupt manner in relation to cafe leases at Circular Quay
45Misused his position as a Member of Parliament to benefit his family’s financial interests in Direct Health Solutions
46Misused his position as a Member of Parliament to benefit his family’s financial interests in water licences over the family farm
47Sentenced to five years in jail with a non-parole period of three years
48Representations to NSW Minister for Roads on behalf of Mid-Western Regional Council for funding to seal a 1.5 km stretch of roadway near his family property near Mudgee
49Launched Dr. David van Gend’s anti-same sex marriage book
50Called for a ban on Muslim immigration from “radicalised” countries
51Appeared at anti-Islam rallies organised by Geert Wilders and the Reclaim Australia movement
52Compared Safe Schools anti-bullying program to “grooming” by paedophiles
53Tried to ban the burqa
54“why can’t we argue a conspiracy by the UN and most of the world’s scientists?”
55Subject of Australian Federal Police (AFP) enquiries about regular travel and cash transfers to the Philippines for 12 months.
56Reported to be a regular visitor to and big spender at Ponytails strip club in the Philippines
57Paid back more than $2,100 for taxpayer-funded flights and cars linked to trips to the Philippines.
58Undercover footage emerged of him making derogatory comments and touching a dancer at a strip club in Washington DC
59Solicited political donations from the NRA as the US gun lobby encouraged PHON to weaken Australia’s strict gun ownership laws
60Said Australia was “in danger of being swamped by Asians”
61Wore a burqa during Senate question time as part of her push to ban the garment.
62Claimed the 1996 Port Arthur massacre was a government conspiracy
63Failed to declare his family home
64Did not declare his membership of the North Queensland Cowboys when it received a loan from the Northern Australian Infrastructure Facility
65Documents she signed to give her approval of millions of dollars in grants to local councils were later shredded
66Was in a secret relationship with Wagga Wagga MP Daryl Maguire
67He took part in a “cash-for-visa” scheme in which he received tens of thousands of dollars in commissions.
68Caught speeding in a ministerial car, along with other driving infringements
69Tore up agreements to change logging rules in New South Wales to better protect animals that survived recent bushfires
70Sparked an internal war in the NSW Government over koala habitats

This unique boardgame has no age restrictions. That’s right, anyone from nine months to ninety-nine years of age can play this game because Australia’s politicians have committed scandals involving everything from Au Pairs to Aged Care.

What are you waiting for? Order your board game now and pay only $30.00. Yes, buy it now for only $30, (or 10 easy payments of $3) Don’t hesitate, because if you buy this on Christmas Eve, it will cost $300.

Political Corruption Mix and Match, get it now for Christmas.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

Scott Morrison appoints David Dench as Education Advisor.

The Prime Minister of Australia has appointed former AFL player David Dench as Education Advisor in a move that has shocked the nation. Dench will advise the prime minister and the federal Minister for Education Dan Tehan in matters of education pertaining specifically to universities.

“My government is committed to education and to providing world-class facilities and services to the people of this great nation,” Morrison stated.

“Education will make this nation great again and it needs to be properly funded. For this reason, I have personally appointed Mr Dench as Education Advisor with special responsibility for funding.”

Political observers were left stunned by the shock announcement, and questioned the credentials of someone with no political or educational expertise, who made their fame playing Australian Rules Football.

Mr Morrison justified the appointment by referencing Dench’s unique and specific experience with university finances.

Dench spent four months in jail in 2008 as punishment for his role in a scheme to defraud Victoria University out of millions of dollars. The former North Melbourne fullback and captain was charged specifically with nine counts of obtaining property by deception and aiding and abetting the receipt of a secret commission.

“Mr Dench is exactly the person we need advising our government,” said Mr Tehan.

“His interaction with the university sector reflects the funding priorities of the LNP for tertiary education in this country, and his invaluable advice will inform our policies relating to this industry as long as we are in government.”

“Furthermore, the COVID-19 pandemic has greatly impacted upon universities in Australia, particularly as many have lost their overseas students and are struggling financially. The manner in which universities and tertiary institutions are managed in the near future will go a long way towards determining the academic and economic prosperity of the nation, and that is why we are so excited to bring Mr Dench into our ministry in an advisory capacity.”

The prime minister and Mr Tehan refused to be drawn on the exact sum Dench will be paid in his advisory role, but explained that he will share an office with TV host Scott Cam.

Image: Craig Greenhill

I Spy…

“I spy with my little eye, something beginning with ‘A'”

“Australia”

“Yes, it’s something in Australia, but be more specific.”

“Australian animals”

“No”

“Angophoras”

“No”

“Asylum seekers”

“No”

“Androids and Apples”

“No”

“AAP”

“AAP?”

“Yeah, Australian Associated Press, the news service providing objective, balanced news to media networks in Australia and overseas.”

“No”

“ABC”

“Your ABC?”

“That’s the one.”

“No”

“Activists”

“No”

“Activism?”

“No”

“Anti-Adani laws”

“No”

“Aged care residents”

“No”

“Altruists”

“No”

“Atheism”

“No”

“Academia”

“No”

“Academics?”

“No”

“Artists”

“No”

“This is really hard.”

“Keep trying. You’re close. It’s related to all of the guesses you’ve had so far.”

“I know, AUTHORITARIANISM”

“YES”

Image: http://www.smh.com.au

Tony Abbott: ‘Let Drug Addicts Die.’

Former Prime Minister of Australia Tony Abbott has demanded that all drug addicts in Australia be refused medical treatment or rehabilitation and be left to die.

Abbott made the comments after also calling for an end to COVID-19 restrictions, which would likely result in the deaths of many elderly Australians but would open up the economy.

“Nobody is forced to take drugs,” Abbott announced from London, where he is set to advise the UK government on matters of trade.

“Anyone who is proven to have taken illicit drugs, or even taken an excessive amount of prescription medication, should be left to die. We should stop offering medical treatment and rehabilitation services to these people because they are damaging Australia.”

Abbott then explained why he had taken this stance, even after attracting a lot of criticism for his comments regarding elderly Australians.

“People take drugs by choice and they put themselves in a position to die or fall seriously ill, and it is their fault if they die. Admittedly, some people may turn to drugs after experiencing significant trauma, such as fighting in wars which politicians instigate, but you can’t tell me those young kids popping pills at music festivals are suffering trauma.”

“Illicit drug use and the drug trade cause enormous damage to Australian society. Taxpayers fund rehabilitation, training and housing services for addicts, so letting them die would boost the nation’s economy. Drug use tears families apart and takes food off the table. What’s more, we know drug addicts can often be found in prison and on the unemployment lines.”

Critics of Abbott’s proposal pointed out that letting drug addicts die would leave some children without parents, to which he replied,

“Addicts are rarely good parents.”

The former national leader also claimed that refusing to provide medical treatment to drug addicts would free up ambulances and hospital beds for other people in need of these services, including the victims of drug-related crimes or accidents.

“Refusing to treat drug addicts at medical facilities should reduce our overall health budget and allow us to spend money in other areas.”

“As a nation, we devote so much time, money and effort to rehabilitation services, but we know that most addicts don’t quit taking drugs.”

Abbott would not be drawn on whether he supports the decriminalisation of illicit drugs. Proponents argue that this would reduce the crime associated with drug dealing turf wars. Drugs would be decriminalised but rehabilitation services would be scrapped entirely, and the money currently spent on rehab would be redirected to extra police in order to combat the subsequent rise in crime from drug addicts desperate to fund their next hit.

It is not clear whether Abbott suggested the move in order to help reduce the world’s populations, as overpopulation is the biggest problem currently facing the planet. As a conservative politician and staunch capitalist, Abbott would generally favour a large population which contributes to continued economic growth.

The Australian government has so far distanced itself from Abbott’s comments, and this latest controversy may explain why he was sent to England.

Image: Mark Nolan, Getty Images

Australia withdraws from the Olympic Games.

EXCLUSIVE: The Australian government has informed the Australian Olympic Committee that the nation has officially withdrawn from the Tokyo Olympic and Paralympic Games and will not compete in any future Olympic events.

The announcement was lost among media reporting on the current aged care debacle and the COVID-19 pandemic, but was made via a brief press release from the Minister for Youth and Sport, Senator Richard Colbeck.

“Australia contributes to such a small percentage of the overall medal tally at the Olympic Games that our efforts make no real difference to the event,” said Senator Colbeck.

“In Rio, our total medal haul did not even contribute 10% to the overall medal tally, and pales into insignificance compared to the big medal winners such as China and the USA. We won only 8 gold medals in Rio and we win even less at Winter games.”

“The simple, undeniable fact is that Australia’s population is, and always will be, too small to make any real impact on the medal tally at international multi-sport competitions, so we should stop trying to change the situation and cease to participate.”

As a result, Australian athletes will no longer be able to compete under the national banner in summer or winter games, paralympic competitions or even the Youth Olympic Games.

The Australian government apparently made the decision after failing to persuade the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to allow ‘carry over medals’. Carry over medals are medals won at a previous Olympic competition which count towards a country’s medal tally at a subsequent Olympics.

Australia lobbied for medals such as Mack Horton’s gold in the 400m freestyle at Rio in 2016 to count towards its overall tally at the Tokyo games (scheduled to take place in 2021). This is despite the fact that a number of Rio medallists, including cyclist Anna Meares, have retired from their sport altogether.

“Australia needs carry over medals to meet its future Olympic medal targets,” argued Senator Colbeck.

The country’s fierce lobbying for the new rule won some support from nations such as India and Brazil, but eventually positioned Australia as a pariah in the international arena. This prompted the government’s decision to divorce itself entirely from the Olympic family.

As to how the Australian public will react, it is not yet known. It is hard to imagine that such a sports mad nation, which hosted the games in 2000, will accept such a decision. That said, they did re-elect a prime minister who famously carried a lump of coal into parliament in support of the fossil fuel industry.

Senator Colbeck also alluded to the young Australians who will now be denied a healthy, prosperous, optimistic future.

“They are young, fit, dedicated and patriotic, so we’ll put them all in the army,” he explained.