AFL players vie for The Homoerotic Footballer Award.

AFL players have staked their claim for The Homoerotic Footballer Award after a series of incidents involving intimate touching of teammates during and after games.

Players from various clubs have been caught on camera fondling each other’s private parts during breaks in play or post-match celebrations, and have just revealed their motivations for doing so.

The players are fighting to ensure that AFL wins the highly prestigious award which acknowledges the promotion of homoeroticism in men’s professional football.

The most recent nominees for the 2020 edition of the award are Christian Petracca and Jayden Hunt from the Melbourne Demons, Dan Butler from St Kilda Saints, and Richmond Tigers trio Jayden Short, Jack Riewoldt and Nick Vlastuin.

“We want to win this for the AFL,” stated Butler.

“That’s why we gave our teammates a good fondle and made sure it was caught on camera.”

“Contact sports like AFL, Rugby League and Rugby Union have always been excuses for men to play out their homoerotic fantasies,” explained Petracca, who was caught fondling teammate Jayden Hunt.

“We’re just continuing this tradition,” explained Hunt “…and touching up your mate in a team huddle is just a healthy part of the game – always has been.”

The players then outlined their desire to see one of their own take out a major cross-code sporting award for once.

“NRL players have a stranglehold on these types of awards, and we’re sick of it,” stated Riewoldt.

“They’re masters of off-field scandals like public drunkenness and urination, sexual harassment and even rape, and even though AFL players have been pretty good at this stuff, we’ve never won a prize like The Frownlow Medal. The closest we got was Karmichael Hunt but he was a league and union player too so that doesn’t really count.”

NRL players have not supplied a contender for The Homoerotic Footballer Award this year and have been inactive since John Hopoate stuck his finger where the sun don’t shine during a game in 2001. Hopoate made a TikTok video joking about the incident earlier this year but the lame video was not enough to challenge the AFL player’s for the award.

Petracca and friends also provided more context for the sudden rise in touch ups being caught on camera.

“Lockdown,” they claimed.

“We’ve been locked up for so long, especially in Victoria/ Melbourne, the home of AFL. We just couldn’t keep our hands off each other once we got back to playing again. I mean, I love this bunch of boys so much that I just had to show my love for them,” said Vlastuin.

“That’s right, I mean, you can have a fun time with your partner or your flatmate during lockdown,” continued Short “but that gets a bit boring after a while so you need to add some variety – and there’s nothing like the bond you develop with a bunch of legends like the boys in a footy team, I mean, you just can’t replace it.”

The players also explained that the lockdown denied them the opportunity to invite their teammates to watch or join in every time they had a sexual encounter with a woman, and that this violates the code of professional footballers.

The remaining rounds of the regular season and the approaching finals in both the NRL and AFL will determine who wins The Homoerotic Footballer Award in 2020.

The disappearing sound of silence.

Is it just me or is the world getting louder?

It seems impossible to escape noise these days. Everywhere I live and everywhere I travel I seem to be surrounded by noise. I seem to live my life in headphones. How far does one have to go to avoid noise?

I though I’d escaped noise last year when I chose to live on and manage a cattle farm for six months. The farm encompassed 110 acres of paddocks as well as the home, and I assumed that such a large property would afford me some peace and quiet, both for my work and my general sanity.

I was wrong.

The farm ended up sitting just 200 metres away from a massive housing development to the west. An entire new suburb of characterless McMansions was being built near the farm, and the noise from the construction machines was incessant. Six days a week, from about 6.30 – 5.30, I was surrounded by the noise of trucks, diggers and other construction machinery, including the annoying ‘beep, beep, beep’ of the vehicles.

Even out at the far ends of the farm, I could still hear the machines, either from the housing development to the west, or the construction of a new retirement village to the east. I also discovered that a new house was also going to be built to the north of the house, on the neighbour’s property. I’m glad I left the house when I did.

Of course, it wasn’t just the construction machinery which created so much noise. The obligatory barking dog on the neighbour’s property kept me up at night. The neighbour’s lawn mowers, leaf blowers and whipper snippers destroyed the serenity, and weekends usually brought the sound of tourists and weekend warriors hooning around on their Harley Davidson’s or their V8 cars.

I’ve never been able to escape the sounds of gardening machines in suburbia, and I feel like the noise is getting worse. Again, is it just me? Also, when will an engineer invent silent gardening tools, such as lawn mowers or leaf blowers? It can’t be that hard.

Suburbia is awash with renovations these days as well. Barely a street escapes the presence of tradies and the banging and bashing of a new kitchen or updated bathroom.

I also thought I’d escaped noise when I went to live on the outskirts of a small coastal town in NSW, Australia. The house sat on about 5 acres and was surrounded by other large blocks and hobby farms. I thought I was right to assume a modicum of tranquillity, but alas, I was wrong again. Every large property had a large lawn which was normally cut by a ride on lawn mower. For a few hours almost every single day, I heard the whirr of the ride on mowers, and other gardening tools.


Libraries used to be havens of serenity. Not anymore. Most libraries are regarded as ‘Interactive Community Spaces’ which is fine for people who want to interact, but what about people who want to read in silence, or study?

I’ve been disturbed by librarians themselves having social chats, a young guy doing a job interview via skype, loud phone conversations and teenagers using the free WiFi to play on their social media platforms, or teenagers pretending to study in groups.

I’ve also witnessed parents who seem to have confused libraries with playgrounds and let their kids run wild through the library – and not just through the kids section.

I’m referring here to libraries in Australia. In contrast, I visited one or two ‘reading rooms’ in South East Asia, including some in Hong Kong. The reading rooms weren’t in public libraries, nor in universities or colleges, they were actually in the apartment building. On the ground floor of the complex was a room set aside specifically for reading and studying – and it was quiet. The day’s newspapers were provided, or residents could bring their own reading material. Older people were reading, school kids were studying and everyone was quiet. No screaming toddlers, no teenagers playing on their phones or gossiping. One might suggest that this reflects the difference in academic achievement between Australia and Hong Kong.

Australia’s literacy and numeracy rates, as well as overall academic achievement, are falling. Hong Kong, and many other South East Asian nations, always perform well academically.

Are Australian students falling behind because they simply cannot concentrate? True concentration can only occur in a calm and peaceful environment. True concentration is required to solve complex intellectual problems or to grasp an unfamiliar concept. Learning new and complex intellectual concepts is the purpose of school, but few schools, or libraries, enjoy the necessary peace and quiet which allow students to delve into a problem and apply their intelligence to a task.

Students in Australia may or may not find the required serenity at home, just as many students in Asian countries struggle to find tranquillity in small, crowded urban apartments. For this reason, ‘reading rooms’ exist. Could we establish ‘reading rooms’ in Australia?

Interestingly, the reading rooms I visited were located above a train station and a small shopping mall, on top of which the apartments were built. And they were still quiet.

Quiet carriages

Designated quiet train carriages were established on trains in various parts of Australia, and they’re a great idea; if everyone obeys the rules. I’ve been on many quiet carriages which were far from quiet. People blatantly ignored the advice to refrain from noise, or to go to another carriage. On one occasion, I overheard a young woman have a 40-minute phone conversation in which she revealed that she was about to go on a threesome date with a couple she met online, that she never wanted kids, she was struggling through a long-distance relationship with a guy in France and she might be pregnant to another guy, who is definitely not in France. Way too much information, which she had shared with everyone in the carriage.

Obviously selfish and inconsiderate people exist everywhere and in any context. That said, are people now so accustomed to noise that they don’t seek peace and quiet, and are they oblivious to the fact that they’ve destroyed someone else’s peace and quiet?

In the outdoors

One has to wonder whether people have forgotten what peace and quiet feels like. Especially when one ventures outdoors. Hiking and exploring the outdoors should bring respite from noise. But some people bring the noise with them.

On many occasions I’ve been enjoying a nice hike through a beautiful landscape only to hear someone approach with a stereo or speaker blasting out some music. Don’t they get it? The idea of spending time in nature is to get away from the noise of the city and suburbia, not to bring it with you.

Is this what attracts people to extreme adventures? To hikes or bike rides or back country skiing trips miles from anywhere? Is this perhaps the only way to escape noise when every inch of the world has been discovered.

Personally, it is motivation for me to try to stay fit and healthy, so that I can take on more arduous hikes or bike rides which separate me from the hordes of noise makers who always seem to converge on more accessible hiking trails. It’s also why I take for ever to find camping spots these days, because I always live in fear that a car full of people will turn up, crank on the stereo and settle in for a party, when all I wanted was peace and quiet.

In the modern world, many people create the exact thing they were trying to get away from – noise.


Perhaps our noisy world is the result of technology. Technology exists in every facet of our lives and machines and devices follow us everywhere. Machines make noise.

The consequences

What are the consequences of a world full of noise?

A world full of noise is one in which it is harder to concentrate. It is harder to study and it is harder to truly think. This could be contributing to the dumbing down of society. People can’t find the space to read in depth or to contemplate, so they are less knowledgeable, less discerning and more gullible.

If school students can’t find serenity, will they ever understand complex theories, and will they ever make it to the end of a literary classic?


Excessive noise leads to stress. A small amount of loud noise is not harmful. A New Year’s Eve party, a concert, a sporting grand final or a festival are chances to scream and shout and let loose and have fun, and should be celebrated. But endless, annoying, loud, obtrusive noise causes stress, and enduring this noise day after day, year after year, as most of us do in city and urban environments, must be affecting people’s mental health. It is seldom mentioned in discussions of causes of mental health problems, but surely it must be a contributor. Perhaps it is not considered a factor because people are so used to noise in their daily lives.

Noise begets noise

What do you do when you hear an annoying noise? You probably try to block it out. You hear the neighbour’s leaf blower blasting away while you try to work, so you put on your head phones with some white noise. You overhear a banal phone conversation on the train so you plug in your headphones and your favourite play list.

We create our own noise to try to drown out someone else’s.

Where does one go these days to find peace and quiet?

Why would you want royal blood?


Many people boast about their royal blood. Everyday people point to their ancestry as evidence that they have some familial link to a royal family somewhere in the world, and many people do so with pride. The question is, why would anyone want royal blood?

Royal families are inbred.

Their blood is tainted through generation after generation of inbreeding. Do you really want to be blood-related to a family of inbreds?

Royal brothers marry sisters or cousins and reproduce with them in order to ensure that their offspring is one of them, and to keep power within the family. Interestingly, royal families and the aristocracy exalt the term ‘pure blood’ or speak in praise of people who are of ‘good breeding’. How pure is the blood of someone whose parents were brother and sister?


Inbreeding is dangerous. Societies large and small have for centuries established laws, customs and practices designed to prevent blood relatives from producing offspring, for one main reason. Inbreeding produces deformities, both physical and mental.

Even animals do all they can to avoid inbreeding.

So prevalent are the deformities of European royalty that it is possible to follow a royal family tree by examining common deformities among the family members. Through the identification of a particular deformity, one can determine who married whom, and who begat whom.

A wasted opportunity

The British royal family seem to have missed an opportunity to expand their gene pool. Meghan Markle has no blood connection (as far as I know) to anyone in the British royal family, or the extended European royal family, and she won over Prince Harry with her charm and personality. Harry and Meghan are apparently estranged from the royal family (I’m not entirely sure, I avoid royal gossip). Subsequently, they and their (future) offspring may not have any claim to the throne or official royal titles.

Had they remained firmly within the royal family, the House of Windsor could have expanded its gene pool through children whose parents have no blood connection. The British royals may have just missed an opportunity to expand the gene pool.

Royal adoption

The Sultan of Brunei is known to adopt children, mostly from Malaysia. The Sultan promotes the adoption program as a gesture of charity and goodwill which saves poor Malaysian children and provides them with a better life.

Acute observers claim that the adoption program protects his own family. The children are all granted a social title, and a privileged position within Bruneian society as relations of the royal family. They may or may not be granted the full social status worn by his immediate family, but they are given a title which places them in the upper echelons of Bruneian society. 

The adopted children can then marry an immediate royal family member because they possess the necessary social title. Brunei has a population of less than 500, 000 people, including expats and other non-Malay residents, and only a tiny section of that small population is eligible to marry royalty – namely those with a high-ranking social title awarded by the royal family.

Thus, if royalty marries an adopted child, the power stays within the family, but the married couple is not blood related and the gene pool is protected.

Non-royal inbreds

How many people would boast about familial connection to other people who are known to marry their relatives?

Residents of remote, obscure country towns have a reputation for inbreeding. They often have limited opportunity to meet other people when they’re stuck out on a remote farm or tiny village, so they find other ways to continue their family. Few people celebrate their connection to ‘inbred country bumpkins’, but these people are no more inbred than royal families.

Dole bludgers

Furthermore, no one is likely to announce their connection to a family of dole bludgers. And yet, that’s exactly what royal families are. They don’t work for a living, and taxpayers pay for them to live. Most of them live in absolute luxury at the expense of the ordinary person. Are you proud to be related to the world’s richest dole bludgers?

Money and power

Establishing a blood connection to a royal family has its benefits. It can increase someone’s wealth and power, and certainly improve someone’s job prospects. Boasting of a blood connection to a royal family in order to increase wealth and power is understandable, but many people promote their lineage as an inherent sign of personal prestige, as if somehow their connection to royalty, as faint as it may be, makes them a better person.

The next time you hear someone boasting about their royal blood, consider the composition of that blood.



Heath Not the Culprit in Drug Case.


Former AFL player Heath Culpitt has damaged his chances of entering The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame after he avoided charges in the drug case involving himself and fellow AFL player Jason Roe.

Culpitt allegedly received the drugs which saw Roe charged with selling and possessing a commercial amount of cannabis in the Northern Territory in 2015.

The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player whose off-field demeanour epitomises the values of the modern day footballer and draws attention to the status of footballers as role models to young Australians. It covers Australia’s four major football codes; the National Rugby League (NRL), Australian Football League (AFL), the A-League (Football) and Rugby Union’s Super Rugby competition. Kiwi international Shaun Kenny-Dowall won the inaugural medal in 2015 before Corey Norman in 2016 and Tim Simona in 2017.

The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame honours former players and players who received media attention in previous seasons, for similarly scandalous behaviour, and its inductees include Ben Cousins and Julian O’Neill.

The former Carlton player dismissed suggestions of his guilt and claimed the confusion resulted from a simple semantic misunderstanding.

“My name’s Culpitt, not culprit,” he stated.

“I can see how the cops got mixed up – I mean, literacy levels are not very high up here in the NT and I guess my name’s not very common, but I’m not guilty. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Once the coppers learned where to find the spell check, they let me go.”

The incident and the ensuing confusion caused Culpitt to become refelctive.

“I guess the only downside to all of this is that I might not get into The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame, but I’m not stressed – after all, I just had a toke!”


If You Liked it Then You Should Have Put a Bid On It!


Why do people ‘like’ posts on Facebook sale pages?

Why do the same people ‘like’ these items with seemingly no intention of buying them?

Ladies and gentlemen, if you liked it so much then you should have put a bid on it.

Is liking someone else’s sales post a strategy? Do they think that if they like my posts that I’ll like their posts back? Sorry everyone, but I’ve never reciprocated a sale page ‘like’.

Is there a competition on Facebook, that I’m not aware of, which challenges users to attract the most ‘likes’ possible on their individual sale posts? If so, what’s the prize – dinner with Mark Zuckerberg? I wish there was a competition – even though I don’t ‘like’ the idea of dinner with Mr. Zuckerberg – because I attracted ‘likes’ for the bedside tables in the photo…and the swimming goggles, and the rug and the bike rack and the Esky…even the car I sold last year.

Fair enough, people like cars, be they sensible, like the Toyota Vios I used to own, or luxurious, like the BMW I will never own. What I don’t understand, though, is the apparent fascination with the mundane.

People ‘like’ second hand tennis racquets and last decade’s fashion. They ‘like’ second hand baby clothes, used suitcases, washing machines, outdoor furniture, lamps, phones, DVDs, cutlery, crockery…and even bricks.


Maybe they’re hoarders. Maybe they have houses and garages and storage units full of second hand items which they picked up for a bargain on Facebook, just because it was a bargain. Then again, they don’t seem to buy any of the items (at  least nothing of mine) so why do they like them?

Perhaps they believe in the thrill of the hunt – or that the journey is more important than the destination. They live with the unwavering conviction that they will one day, one day, chase down the perfect treasure at the perfect price and, until they find this holy grail, they refuse to buy any inferior imitation.

I’m trying to imagine these people scrolling through the various Buy, Sell, Swap pages to which they’ve registered, comparing the merits of contrasting pieces of furniture; old lawn mowers which may or may not work, children’s books which may or may not have been read and fitness equipment which may or may not have delivered its owner the perfect bikini body just in time for summer.

I imagine they sit on trains, buses, ferries and Ubers scrolling, swiping and ‘liking’ (or dismissing) the endless supply of pre-loved goods which sustain these pages. I wonder if, also, they’re passing judgement on the items and, consequently, on me.

Clearly there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for liking second hand goods on Facebook pages. I just can’t work it out and maybe that’s why my recent posts haven’t sold yet.

I wonder if Beyonce wants to buy my bedside tables…$AU50 for both!

Australian Doctor’s Orchestra.


It’s more than a coincidence that many medical professionals are also classically trained and highly proficient musicians. It was due to this convergence of circumstance that Dr. Miklos Pohl formed the Australian Doctor’s Orchestra in 1993.

The Australian Doctor’s Orchestra is a fellowship of medical professionals who share a love and passion for classical music and a desire to channel this passion into raising money for charity.

The classically trained musicians from various fields of medicine fund their own travel and expenses and donate proceeds to various charities, including the Anglicare Pandanus Program, which will benefit from the orchestra’s first ever visit to Darwin on June 19 of this year.

The orchestra has a total of 600 doctors and medical students on it’s books and usually performs two major concerts per year, covering one major city, and of late, one regional location. They congregate 2 or 3 days before a major concert to add the finishing touches to their months of individual rehearsal, before customarily performing on the Sunday afternoon.

Hungarian born plastic surgeon Dr. Pohl started the orchestra having already established the European Doctor’s Orchestra.

Dr. Pohl worked closely with founding conductor and artistic director, Christopher Martin, who was Senior Lecturer in Strings and Conducting at University of Melbourne for 20 years before retiring. Martin passed away in 2011 and the Darwin concert will feature conductor Matthew Wood.


Attempted Wildlife Rescue.

I came home to discover two juvenile birds in the drain that runs around my house.20160602_180510

A friend and I scooped up the little birds and put them into a brown paper bag while we decided what to do with them.

One of them was completely incapable of flying while the other one could fly a little bit but not enough to stay off the ground for any length of time.


I think they’re baby swiftlets. Swiftlets are abundant near my house and have established a little nest on the ceiling under my house.


I think the birds fell or lept out of the nest, they were in the drain not far from the nest. The nest has been on the ceiling for a few months.

I’ve never attempted to rescue an animal before so I don’t really know what I’m doing. I wasn’t sure whether to leave the birds in the drain and let nature take it’s course or whether to intervene.

My friend and I decided to build a little improvised bird house and hang it from a tree, thinking this would at least keep them away from land based predators. There are quite a few domestic and feral cats as well as dogs, monitor lizards and other tropical creatures around my house.


We filled a strainer with grass and filled a little plastic container with water before leaving it in the strainer, using whatever we could find in the garage to build the little house. We then placed the birds in the house.

Initially, the most lame bird made the most effort to escape but was unable. Soon after, both of the birds settled into their new home.

We’re hoping they’ll be safe there temporarily, until mummy turns up to feed them, or until they can recover sufficiently to fly, move or survive on their own.

I left the birds in the ‘house’. I’ll check again in the morning and see how they’re doing.

As I said, I’ve never attempted to save an animal before so if anyone has anyone constructive tips or advice, i’d love to hear them.

Flying Papaya.

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Wake early. No breakfast. Wear sports clothes.

The extent of my orders.

My birthday treat would begin upon the arrival of a certain person at a certain hour at a certain hotel on the outskirts of Colima.

The certain hour passed. It’s Mexico.

I was permitted some papaya. Nothing more.

“Vamonos.” Our convoy set off.

We stopped at La Cumbre.



“Yeeees” I’d wanted to try it since I first saw them flying above the city.

Instructions. Strap in. Safety check.


So I ran. Then off.

“Yeeeeoooooh” the first few seconds were terrifying; then absolute peace.

We glided above the farms in the stillness of the sky.

My friends got smaller and smaller.

This was fantastic.

Then around in circles and up, up, up. More circles. We had to rise in order to reach the rendezvous point at the old airport. Over the city. Over my apartment.

Up and Up and around.

I started to feel nauseous.

Up and up.

More nauseas.

“What if I need to vomit?”

“Just not on my equipment” replied Santi, my guide.

“Umm. Ok.” Then it happened, papaya flying through the air onto the fields below.

I hoped it didn’t land on any of the cows. Not a good start to a Sunday morning.

Then again.

It was too much. I was too sick. 20 minutes into the flight we had to descend.

A great disappointment. A great reason to return.

To see old friends. To fly.

Without papaya.

Published on, May 2016.




Lactic Intolerance Rates on the Rise Among Aussie Youth.


A new report from the Australian Pediatric Society (APS) has found that the rate of intolerance to lactic acid among Australian youth has increased dramatically in recent years.

The disturbing findings from the nation’s peak youth medical body demonstrate a growing intolerance to the chemical which is released into the body during strenuous physical activity.

“Year by year, more young Australians are presenting as lactic intolerant” stated the report.

“This syndrome can be directly attributed to decreased levels of regular physical activity among Australian youth.”

The APS collected data from tests conducted at health facilities, sports clubs, school holiday camps and primary and secondary schools throughout the country.

Children aged from 5 – 18 were put through various tests such as running, jumping, and playing, which were designed to induce the build up of lactic acid in their muscles. It was discovered that most participants stopped the activity immediately upon feeling the effect of lactic acid in their system.

“The most common symptoms of lactic intolerance were whingeing, quitting, excuses, tiredness, collapsing, shortness of breath or the production of a letter from their parents explaining how their lactic intolerance prevented them from participating in any physical activity.” explained an APS spokesperson.

Feedback from sports teachers and recreation staff throughout the country confirmed these results, which indicate the potential for a national epidemic in years to come.

The APS also asked young people to complete surveys regarding physical activity and the answers indicated a severe restriction in the time and space for free play and a common perception that the outdoors was a place of danger.

Many also complained that there was no App that could cure them of their lactic intolerance.

Compounding the sobering statistics is the distressing revelation from the APS that the syndrome is on the rise despite a free, simple and remarkably accessible cure.

“Do some exercise.”

Parents whose children present with symptoms of lactic intolerance are advised to contact their local sports club immediately.

Sonny Bill Williams to Represent N.S.W. and Qld. in 2016 Origin.


Code swapping footballer Sonny Bill Williams will play State of Origin for both New South Wales and Queensland as well as fighting a boxing match at half time of each game.

The proud Kiwi signed an historic contract during a meeting at The Clovelly Hotel, which will see him play Game 1 for NSW, Game 2 for Queensland and Game 3 for the state which has wrapped up the series, or which is first able to transfer funds into an account in Panama.

“I was talking to James Tamou, and he said, ‘Origin is sweet as bru’ – so I told my manager to get me a contract straight away” revealed Williams.

“I decided to play for both teams because fighting and conflict are not part of my core value system.”

The decision to assign Williams to NSW for Game 1 is believed to have been based on immediate merchandising considerations, rather than the need to bolster the Blues’ off-loading capabilities.

The unique contract also allows for Williams to continue playing Rugby Union for New Zealand as he fights for a prize place in the Sevens team for the Rio 2016 Olympic Games.


The boxing matches were initially supposed to feature the famous Klitschko brothers during half time of game 1 and 2, before rumours circulated that the famous sibling pugilists would instead don a blue or maroon jersey.

“Unfortunately this looks highly unlikely” conceded a NRL spokesperson.

“Eligibility was not an issue for the Hamburg based Ukranian boxers, as one of them once drank a XXXX, but Vitali and Wladimir are adamant that they will never face each other on opposite sides of a battle field.”

As a result, Williams looks set to fight one of the large number of spirited Canterbury Bulldogs fans who have volunteered themselves for the role.

In the meantime, hundreds of young boys in Sydney have been downloading the ANZ Stadium security protocol in anticipation of securing a 2016 State of Origin winner’s medal.