Australia withdraws from the Olympic Games.

EXCLUSIVE: The Australian government has informed the Australian Olympic Committee that the nation has officially withdrawn from the Tokyo Olympic and Paralympic Games and will not compete in any future Olympic events.

The announcement was lost among media reporting on the current aged care debacle and the COVID-19 pandemic, but was made via a brief press release from the Minister for Youth and Sport, Senator Richard Colbeck.

“Australia contributes to such a small percentage of the overall medal tally at the Olympic Games that our efforts make no real difference to the event,” said Senator Colbeck.

“In Rio, our total medal haul did not even contribute 10% to the overall medal tally, and pales into insignificance compared to the big medal winners such as China and the USA. We won only 8 gold medals in Rio and we win even less at Winter games.”

“The simple, undeniable fact is that Australia’s population is, and always will be, too small to make any real impact on the medal tally at international multi-sport competitions, so we should stop trying to change the situation and cease to participate.”

As a result, Australian athletes will no longer be able to compete under the national banner in summer or winter games, paralympic competitions or even the Youth Olympic Games.

The Australian government apparently made the decision after failing to persuade the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to allow ‘carry over medals’. Carry over medals are medals won at a previous Olympic competition which count towards a country’s medal tally at a subsequent Olympics.

Australia lobbied for medals such as Mack Horton’s gold in the 400m freestyle at Rio in 2016 to count towards its overall tally at the Tokyo games (scheduled to take place in 2021). This is despite the fact that a number of Rio medallists, including cyclist Anna Meares, have retired from their sport altogether.

“Australia needs carry over medals to meet its future Olympic medal targets,” argued Senator Colbeck.

The country’s fierce lobbying for the new rule won some support from nations such as India and Brazil, but eventually positioned Australia as a pariah in the international arena. This prompted the government’s decision to divorce itself entirely from the Olympic family.

As to how the Australian public will react, it is not yet known. It is hard to imagine that such a sports mad nation, which hosted the games in 2000, will accept such a decision. That said, they did re-elect a prime minister who famously carried a lump of coal into parliament in support of the fossil fuel industry.

Senator Colbeck also alluded to the young Australians who will now be denied a healthy, prosperous, optimistic future.

“They are young, fit, dedicated and patriotic, so we’ll put them all in the army,” he explained.

Carpark Conundrum

The debates, the discussions, the proposals and humdrum,

A world-famous beach and its carpark conundrum.

Build it ABOVE GROUND, came a councillor’s motion

But why an above ground? Just swim in the ocean.

Well UNDER GROUND, then, is the perfect solution,

Until ice caps melt from car-borne pollution.

Warn us, they did, that cars would start floating

As suburbs like Bondi kept bulging and bloating.

So, HOME GROUND, said locals, with spots just for us,

While those labelled ‘other’ must cram on the bus.

Or HOME GROUND for athletes, so guts they can bust,

While their current home ground turns to rubble and dust.

Waratahs, Roosters, Sky Blues and Swans

Can be sheltered alongside those striving for tons.

An UNDER ARM carpark, for those for whom laws,

Are as easily tampered with as red leather balls.

The voices grew louder, with yet more ideas,

And echoed the sound of the changing of gears.

Why, UNDER COVER, and be it constructed with stealth,

To protect all our cherished assertions of wealth.

Or INBOUND, cried tourists, enjoying their trip,

Without us, who else will get caught in the rip?

But, OUTBOUND is better, for serving the function

Of keeping the Westies holed up at the Junction.

Be OUTGROWN it will, as more residents arrive,

And through poor public planning they are all forced to drive.

Thus, INGROWN, the carpark pierced through the thin

Perfectly sculpted, tanned Bondi skin.

The longer debated, the deeper it burrowed,

Incessant dull pain causing brows to be furrowed.

It gnawed at locals and pollies alike,

But is rendered redundant with the push of a bike.

So, while pushers of pens kept on talking and talking,

A solution was found, and the answer was…walking.

Image:www.timeout.com

Scott Morrison imprisoned for UnAustralian activities.

EXCLUSIVE: The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, has been found guilty of the highest form of treason and will become the first leader of Australia to spend the rest of his life in prison. Morrison was found to have knowingly engaged in UnAustralian activities and will be immediately transferred from The Lodge to a maximum-security facility on Christmas Island.

The sudden removal of the prime minister and the ensuing silence from the Department of Home Affairs will no doubt prompt wild speculation as to the specific actions which landed Morrison in prison.

Pundits are expected to cite the corruption, adultery and endless scandals of his LNP colleagues, and his unwavering devotion to the fossil fuel industry, which will see the opening of new coal mines, including one directly underneath Sydney’s water catchment. Fingers will be pointed at the SportsRorts saga, the trial of Witness K, the military budget and the collusion with Clive Palmer which helped Morrison to win the unwinnable federal election.

Blame will undoubtedly be laid at Morrison’s attempt to re-write Australian history by publicly denying the existence of slavery in the country, and the country’s steady descent into authoritarianism under his rule.

Anonymous sources within the Department of Home Affairs have suggested to The Beast that the dismissal may have been a reaction to Morrison’s adoption of socialism during the COVID-19 pandemic. The use of state money to pay the wages of thousands of citizens for an extended period of time may have boosted his approval rating, conceded the source, but angered powerful elements within the hard right of the LNP.

An accusation of treason implies an attack on the core values and traditions of a nation; an act as treacherous as eating a meat pie with cutlery, drinking warm beer, enjoying a burger without beetroot or knowing all the words to Advance Australia Fair. It could even include hoarding toilet paper. Morrison, however, has done something far worse, something that strikes at the very heart of the nation.

“He switched footy teams,” explained the source.

“Scott Morrison was born and raised in the heartland of the Sydney/ Eastern Suburbs Roosters, but now supports the Cronulla Sharks. You don’t do that”

“Even if switching teams wins votes in the Shire and smooths the path to the nation’s top job, you don’t switch footy teams. It’s UnAustralian.”

Morrison, meanwhile, has been denied the right to a fair trial and the right to comment publicly, but did manage to slip a short statement to the magazine which represents the people of his homeland.

“If you’re thinking of switching footy teams halfway through your life, don’t do it. Just don’t do it.”

First published in The Beast magazine, September 2020

Image: Craig Greenhill

Australia kills the Winter Olympic Games.

The Winter Olympic Games will cease after 2022 as Australia’s rising carbon emissions rid the world of snow.

Australia has the world’s largest per-capita carbon emissions and is contributing massively to the climate crisis which is melting the snow and ice on which winter sports take place.

Australia’s carbon emissions come primarily from the fossil fuel industry and agriculture, and from the current Liberal National Party (LNP) which is a strong supporter of the fossil fuel industry and traditional agricultural methods.

The nation’s leaders showed little regard for the consequences of their policies, however.

“Why should Australia care about the Winter Olympics, we contribute to such a small percentage of the overall medal tally that it doesn’t matter to us if the games go ahead,” stated a spokesperson for the government of Australia.

“We’ve only ever won five gold medals, and one of those because all of the other skaters fell over.”

The current prime minister, Scott Morrison, famously took a lump of coal into parliament question time in support of coal mining, and Morrison won the 2019 federal election in which the climate crisis was a central issue. More than 50% of the voting public re-elected the party which supports the fossil fuel industry.

Australia’s overall carbon emissions have actually risen in recent years, and extreme weather events such as drought and bush fires are becoming worse. Furthermore, the government recently established the National COVID-19 Commission Advisory Board to chart Australia’s economic recovery from the pandemic, and instead of appointing members from a cross-section of the community, filled it largely with representatives from the fossil fuel industry who are campaigning to have taxpayers fund more projects in the coal and gas sector.

In recent years, the LNP has responded to criticism of its carbon footprint by arguing that Australia contributes so little to the total world emissions that taking action to reduce emissions is pointless.

The NSW state government, also LNP, recently approved the opening of new coal mines under Sydney’s water catchment, hoping to not only destroy the Winter Olympics, but to also destroy the water which Sydneysiders drink.

Winter sports athletes and those who work in the sector have been denied the right to speak about the issue, but the government assured them their futures are secure despite killing off their livelihood.

“They can always get a job down a mine.”

Image: Alex Lange

Australia lobbies IOC to award eighth place medal.

The Australian Olympic Committee has lodged an official application with the International Olympic Committee to have medals awarded to athletes who finish eighth at the next Olympic Games in order to create a more inclusive environment for young Australians accustomed to receiving eighth place medals.

Australia is lobbying the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to expand the medal allocation from the traditional gold, silver and bronze to reflect the reality of junior sport in Australia.

“In junior sporting competitions, school sports carnivals and many more competitive contexts, Australian children are given prizes, ribbons and medals for finishing well out of the top 3, or sometimes for just turning up,” outlined a spokesperson for the Australian Olympic Committee (AOC).

“It is Australia’s strong desire to see this custom adopted by the IOC.”

The AOC argues that the generation of young Australians raised on eighth place medals are now old enough to enter the Olympic arena and must be accommodated via a change in the rules.

“These young Australians are likely to feel threatened and uncomfortable in an environment in which winning and personal excellence are celebrated.”

The proposed changes would award a medal to every athlete from 1st – 8th, so finalists in most sports will win a medal. Every medal would be coloured grey, and athletes who finish outside the top eight all receive a beige participation medal.

The AOC is pushing hard for the new system to be in place for the Tokyo games, scheduled to take place in 2021.

“While every member of the Olympic family was saddened to see Tokyo2020 postponed, it did at least give us another 12 months to lobby the IOC for the introduction of the eighth place medal,” explained the spokesperson.

“Even if the changes can’t be introduced immediately into the Olympic Games, we will lobby for them to be trialled at the Youth Olympic Games, in which many young Australians participate.”

Supporters of the eighth place medal mentality argue that it removes the element of competition from children’s physical activity, and creates a safer, more inclusive environment and subsequently increases participation levels.

Opponents of the custom argue that it prevents children from learning how to deal with losing and from developing emotional resilience. They claim it suppresses children’s natural competitive urges and athletic talent, and fails to acknowledge that superior talent, dedication, effort and strategy lead to victory in sport. It also ignores the fact that healthy competition among children can be harnessed for good.

Other critics go so far as to claim that the eighth place medal movement coincided with the dramatic rise in childhood obesity in the nation.

The AOC spokesperson then outlined other changes Australia would like to see introduced into future Olympic competitions, many of which are borrowed from the school system in which today’s young Olympians were educated.

Recent years saw the introduction of ‘Special Consideration’ for students who are sitting their final year exams, which determine tertiary education entrance rankings. The system has proved enormously popular among Australian students and their parents.

Adopting these principles in the Olympic arena would see endurance athletes in sports such as Athletics, Cycling, Mountain Biking, Triathlon and Swimming allowed to take rest breaks when they feel tired – without this break time being added to their overall finishing time. Cyclists could ride an E-Bike if they choose, while Rugby 7s teams could field as many players as they want, in recognition Australia’s appalling rates of numeracy.

Sprinters would be able to run 95 metres instead of the mandated 100 metres, while team sports would be played without the score being recorded. High, long and triple jumpers could place a mini tramp at the end of the runway, while rock climbers would be hauled up the rock face by their belay buddy.

The spokesperson was then asked if these conditions would apply to athletes from other countries.

“No way,” he replied emphatically.

“Don’t forget, we’re drawing on a talent pool which was not allowed to run, jump, throw, wrestle, climb or kick a ball in their school playground. Children who were not allowed to set foot on local sports grounds when it rained. A generation of young people whose schools have designated ‘passive’ ovals on which no vigorous activity is allowed – for fear someone will scrape their knee. How can we possibly compete against athletes who grow up running 10km to school in bare feet every day?

“Plus, how else are we going to climb up the medal tally and finally justify the enormous amount of taxpayer money that is poured into elite sport every year?”

Radical elements within the AOC would like to see the changes go even further.

They want to ban sports such as Boxing, Wrestling, Judo, Karate and Taekwondo as they are examples of rough play. They would like to remove traditional Olympic disciplines such as Javelin, Discus and Shot Putt, as well as Archery, Fencing and Shooting, as they promote violence.

Furthermore, all Basketball and Volleyball players would have to be the same height. 10m platform diving would be banned, while the 1m springboard is permitted as long as the diver enters with a safety dive – and NO BOMBS!

Participants in all water-based activities would have to wear life jackets, and as for surfing, this is considered far too dangerous due to the presence of sharks, bluebottles, urchins, stingrays, rips and big waves.

The IOC is yet to respond to the application, but Australia remains confident that it can create an inclusive Olympic Games without any competition.

Image: Charles Deluvio

Embrace Dog this festive season.

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Australians are being urged to remember and honour Dog during the upcoming festive season and to seek further opportunities to allow Dog to become the focal point of their end of year celebrations.

Aussies are being reminded that the true message of Dog is found not only within the four walls of the institutions which brought them into contact with Dog, but that the love of Dog can be found in their homes and parks and beaches and cafes – everywhere.

Take comfort, they are advised, in the knowledge that Dog is one constant in an ever-changing world. Even during times when new ways of thinking and social upheaval threaten to destroy our belief in Dog, Dog will always be there.

Australians should also ensure they turn their attention to Dog even during the hectic, busy and stressful period that marks the lead up to Christmas. In an effort to help the good people of Australia to do so, below is a list of practical recommendations which are framed in joy and positive affirmations.

  • Dog is everywhere
  • Dog loves you
  • Let Dog into your life
  • Make the time in your crowded schedule to communicate with Dog
  • Enjoy the opportunity to show your love for Dog on a daily basis, not just during certain ceremonies in April and December
  • Proudly and triumphantly proclaim your devotion to Dog, to everyone, everywhere, even where Dog is not welcome. Ignore signs and signals which attempt to exclude the presence of Dog
  • Defend Dog in your words and deeds, against those who choose to slander Dog, because Dog is righteous
  • Include Dog in your holiday. Take Dog with you in the car, on the plane, in the hotel, at the campground…
  • Lavish gifts upon Dog this year, just as you lavish gifts upon family and friends
  • Love your Dog as the one true Dog, while acknowledging the right of other people to love other Dogs
  • Dog is the reason for the season
  • Practice humility when communicating with Dog and accept that Dog is wiser than you. Subjugate yourself to the will of Dog
  • Teach your children to love Dog, because the love of Dog must start in the home.
  • Include Dog in Carols by Candlelight, summer barbecues, Kris Kringle and Christmas parties – you can even find a way to involve Dog in one seminal act of Christmas, the traditional photo with Santa.

Finally, remember that Dog is for life, not just for Christmas.

Australians urged to Slip, Slop, Slap, Slide, Seek…and Hide.

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Health authorities are urging Australians to protect themselves from the sun during the summer holidays with a renewed campaign called Slip, Slop, Slap, Slide, Seek and Hide.

The new slogan extends the original “Slip, Slop, Slap” message, which was launched in response to Australia having some of the highest rate of skin cancer cases in the world.

The long-running slogan encourages everyone to slip on some clothing, slop on some suncream and slap on a hat while in the sun. The new slogan advises people to also slide on some sunglasses and seek shade.

It is the “Hide” message which confused some Australians, and which prompted clarification from health authorities.

“Australians are urged to hide because the sun is becoming stronger every year. It is vital to hide from the sun in order to avoid skin cancer, which is still a major cause of death in the country,” explained authorities.

Australians are also encouraged to hide from shame, as the country has the biggest per capita carbon footprint of any nation on earth.

The country’s continued use and support of fossil fuels, especially coal, is contributing to the climate crisis and global warming and has made the once-popular country an international embarrassment.

Such is Australia’s international standing that the current prime minister, Scott Morrison, was recently labelled “Fossil of the Day” at an international climate conference due to his support of the coal industry. Morrison is also famous for taking a lump of coal into federal parliament during question time and telling Australians not to be afraid.

Aussies are also encouraged to hide from the fact that Australia re-elected a party which is clearly controlled by the coal lobby and is determined to open new coal mines despite compelling and irrefutable scientific evidence that coal mining and burning of fossil fuels contributes massively to the climate crisis.

Ironically, the outdoor lifestyle for which Australia is famous is now under threat as the sun becomes a danger rather than a blessing.

At the time of writing, residents of Sydney are having to hide from the smoke haze from bushfires which have burned out of control throughout the state and are said to have been exacerbated by the climate crisis.

Australians are thus encouraged to hide until the current reality of the country is changed.

Image: Jeremy Bishop

 

 

Scott Morrison forced to wear FitBit in order to redeem parliamentary pension.

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The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, will be required to wear a FitBit and maintain an acceptable level of physical health in order to receive his parliamentary pension once he retires from politics.

The order was given after Morrison recently revealed via social media that he is unfit to govern.

“The political pension in Australia is very generous,” read a statement from the Governor General’s office, which mandated the program.

“Politicians should earn this pension, and this includes maintaining a reasonable level of physical health. Mr Morrison is clearly unfit to govern, so he has been given a FitBit.”

The program will force Morrison, and other politicians, to walk a minimum number of steps every day, to maintain a healthy heart rate and reasonable weight, and reach an acceptable level of physical fitness. If they cannot do this, they will not receive the pension.

” We know Mr Morrison must make a drastic change if he is to be fit to govern, but we believe the motivation is sufficient.”

Other politicians will also have to lift their game.

“Pauline Hanson will wear one next time she runs out of breath halfway up a sacred site. We’re also looking forward to analysing the data from George Christensen and Clive Palmer. Even though Palmer didn’t get elected, he had a huge impact on the last federal election. We were anticipating some impressive figures from Tony Abbott, but instead we will have to focus on ex-world champion Zali Steggal.”

Australian politicians will not be the first government employees forced to wear fitness devices.

Teachers in West Virginia, USA, were forced to wear a FitBit type device in order to keep their health insurance, as outlined in Michael Moore’s documentary “Farenheit 11/9”.

The major difference between the two programs is that the one in the US was very, very real.

The move is expected to limit the photo opportunities featuring Morrison drinking beer at the footy. It is unclear how it will impact on the prime minister’s approval rating in a country struggling to combat obesity.

Image:www.gettyimages.com.au

Prime Minister of Australia travelled to Greece to hand back democracy.

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The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, took an unannounced trip to Greece recently in order to return democracy to its birthplace.

Australians had accused Mr. Morrison of going ‘missing’ while the country is battling savage bushfires. It has finally been revealed that he had secretly travelled to Athens to hand back Australian democracy.

“Democracy didn’t work in Australia,” Mr Morrison’s office announced in a press statement.

“We tried it for more than 100 years, and despite proving largely successful for many of those years, we recently decided that it is not the right fit for Australia. We don’t need democracy any more.”

Mr. Morrison undertook the secretive trip with only a skeleton staff, and is said to have laid the shattered remains of Australian democracy to rest at various landmarks in Athens. The prime minster was able to roam freely through the ancient city as he was disguised as a tourist wearing an Australia baseball cap and a T-shirt emblazoned with ‘Papa Smirk’.

The statement from the prime minister’s office then elaborated on the motives for the hand back.

“Democracy was becoming an impediment to the goals of the current government, which I am proud to lead. Democracy demands a free press, but this would prevent us from raiding journalists and media outlets. It would also upset one of our most ardent supporters, who owns most of the media in this country.”

“Furthermore, democracy demands the right for citizens to protest, and protests threaten the very survival of our overlords from the minerals and resource sector.”

The press release then thanked Greece and it’s philosophers for creating and disseminating modern democracy.

Many citizens and members of the media were confused that the prime minister would ‘go missing’ while unprecedented and catastrophic bushfires continue to devastate the eastern coast of the country.

The press release answered some of their questions. One question which remains, however, is whether or not democracy can ever be brought back to Australia.

Image:www.worldatlas.com

 

 

 

George Calombaris introduces UnderPay to Australian diners.

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Australian celebrity chef George Calombaris has introduced a new system of payment in all of his Australian restaurants which will allow diners to pay less than the amount listed on the bill.

The unique payment system is called UnderPay™ and was implemented after Calombaris was caught under paying most of the staff working at the restaurants he owns throughout Australia.

“This is a world first,” boasted Calombaris.

“I am so proud to introduce this revolutionary payment system to Australian diners and to give them the option of paying less money than they should really be paying in the restaurant. Customers can actually pay whatever amount they would like to pay for their meals.

Some businesses are using Afterpay or layby, some use Pay it Forward, many eateries will allow customers to split the bill, and these days many customers pay with their phone or even their watch, but no one else is using UnderPay™.”

There is one caveat, however. Customers utilising UnderPay™ will still be required to tip the waitstaff,

“About 20 cents should be enough for the average bill”, explained Calombaris.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au