What is Australian football?

What is Australian football?

It depends who you ask.

First of all, Australians call it ‘Footy’. But footy can mean Australian Rules Football, Football/Soccer, Rugby League or Rugby Union.

Footy = Aussie Rules

Australian Rules Football – Aussie Rules – AFL

Australian Rules Football holds the most legitimate claim the to the title of Australian football. ‘Aussie Rules’ is unique to Australia.

Australian Rules Football is apparently a combination of Marngrook and Gaelic Football. Marngrook is a sport played by Indigenous Australians involving a ball, two teams and goal posts, and Gaelic football was brought to Australia by Irish migrants in the early days of the colony. The two were combined and adapted to create Australian Rules Football.

AFL is Australian Football League which is the national first-grade competition with teams in most states and territories, and the entire sport is often called ‘AFL’. The heartland of the game is Victoria, especially Melbourne, and most of the AFL teams still represent suburbs in Melbourne.

AFL is also the most popular spectator sport in South Australia, Western Australia and Tasmania and is the number 1 sport in the Northern Territory, especially among Indigenous Australians. No matter how remote the Indigenous community, they know all about the AFL.

Aussie Rules does have devoted fans in New South Wales and Queensland, but it is definitely not the most popular code in these states.

Footy = Soccer

Soccer – Football

Aussie Rules may be Australia’s national sport, but the most popular participation sport in the country is soccer.

Australians have long called the sport Soccer, but the rest of the world calls it football, so Aussies recently started calling it Football until we realised that footy refers to three other codes in the land Down Under. So, what name do they use? It depends who you ask.

Soccer is played in every state and territory from junior to senior level, and is producing strong national teams. AFC Asian Cup victories went to the men’s Socceroos in 2015, and the women’s Matildas in 2010. Soccer will also enjoy a rise in popularity after Australia and New Zealand won the rights to co-host the FIFA Women’s World Cup in 2023.

The success of the national teams and the sport itself is due largely to the country’s migrant population. The British colonisers brought the sport to the country, but migrants built it. Club teams from the Italian, Greek and other European communities drove the early national league and The World Game is the most truly multi-cultural code in the country. The A-League and the W-League are the current national competitions for men and women and feature teams from throughout Australia.

Rugby is Australia’s national sport.

No.

Many foreigners think rugby is Australian football, but this is not true. AFL and Soccer are more popular, and ‘rugby’ actually refers to two separate codes.

Footy = Rugby Union

Rugby Union – Rugby – Union

Rugby Union is footy for students at expensive private schools in New South Wales and Queensland. The Game They Play in Heaven was the domain of the wealthy from school, to club to representative level, and this kept it contained to a very select demographic.

Rugby Sevens has broadened its appeal and another factor has attracted a different demographic to the sport – Pacific Islanders. Every club, school or representative team now actively recruits players of Pacific Islander origin. They are built to play rugby. They are big, strong, fast, agile, skilful and very hard to tackle.

Club teams fill their rosters with Pasifika players and private schools offer scholarships to talented young Pasifika boys. Representative teams at Super Rugby and national level rely very heavily on players from Samoa, Tonga, Fiji and New Zealand and almost half of the players in the men’s national team, the Wallabies, have pacific island heritage. Rugby Union also competes for Pasifika talent with Rugby League, as the players are just as dominant in this sport.

The arrival of many South African migrants in Western Australia has increased the appeal of the code in this state, especially in Perth.

A threat to the dominance of Rugby Union in Australian private schools is Aussie Rules. The sport pursues a very pro-active and effective junior development program and is now being played at private schools, and Aussie Rules posts have replaced rugby posts on many school ovals.

Another threat to the future of the sport is the risk of injury. Many Australian parents are concerned for the safety of their children after seeing the injuries suffered at junior and senior level among players in rugby (and league). Both of these sports have gone to great lengths to protect players, especially from head injuries, but injuries, some of which are very serious, are hard to avoid in such brutally physical sports.

The concern over serious injury has led many parents to sign their children up for soccer.

Footy = Rugby League

If you say footy in NSW and Queensland, most people will think of Rugby League. League is the most popular sport in these states. It was played only in these two states until recently. Ironically, though, the most dominant team in the National Rugby League competition in recent years, and the 2020 premiers, is the Storm – from Melbourne.

League is the working man’s game and this distinguishes it from Union, and explains its broad appeal.

So, what is Australian football? That’s a complex question. Geography and social class determine how most people answer, and even the time of year. League, Union and Aussie rules are all winter sports, but the A-League (Soccer) is played during summer. The ambiguity causes debate among some Australians, while most just enjoy the chance to watch so many sports at a high level in one country.

Images: http://www.gettyimages.com.au, http://www.sherrin.com.au

Wogs vs. Aussies.

“Righto boys, it’s a bit wet outside, so do you wanna play basketball or indoor soccer?”

“Basketball, soccer, basketball…” the sporting options were parried back and forth until Cameron, the captain of the A-grade Rugby team and thus favourite for future school captain, muttered his decree.

“Soccer”

“Ok boys, Grella and Kalac, can you get the goals?” directed Mr Brosnan, as he went to collect the ball.

“Oi, it’s Wogs vs Aussies boys,” declared Cameron, and the students dutifully arranged themselves into a team of Caucasian students and a team of ‘ethnic’ students, as they had done so many times before. Mr Brosnan pursed his lips around the whistle before deciding that Yr.10 boys could referee themselves, and as long as no one broke any bones he could enjoy a coffee on the side line.

“Blakey, go up front,”

“Yeah, you’re our White Wog,” joked Woods, “at least someone on our team knows how to play soccer.”

With that, I took up my customary position at centre forward and hoped that my fellow Aussies would this time secure enough possession and open space to provide me with a realistic chance of slotting that ball past Kalac in the goals.

We’d never beaten the wogs in soccer, indoor or outdoor, and even though I was pleased with my exalted status among the cool white kids and rugby heroes of the school, I still felt the pressure to earn this status by scoring goals.

The fact that a lot of my friends were on the ‘other’ team didn’t really occur to me – in Sydney in the early 1990s this kind of casual racial division was just a bit of fun – or a quicker way of picking teams. To be honest, I never questioned it. The casual racism was buried underneath the testosterone fuelled atmosphere of a PE lesson at a school whose reputation was built firmly on sporting prowess.

Just then, I caught a glimpse of Eldridge and for the first time ever, I felt a morsel of his inner conflict. The product of a white father and Thai mother, he seemed to hesitate in assigning himself to the Wogs or the Aussies, as he had never done before. I was forced to consider whether his increasing maturity and self-awareness, which descends upon every teenager, had prompted him to examine his own identity more deeply. I mulled this over in my mind until Maxwell screamed,

“Ello, go to fullback, hurry up” and Eldridge’s search for identity was put on hold.

At that, Mr Brosnan glanced up from his coffee cup and blew the whistle, we were off.

Bresciano fed the ball to Postecolglou who nutmegged Johnson before skirting around the burly prop and flicking the ball across to Vidmar. The little magician weaved his way past Woods, Maxwell and O’Sullivan before stepping over the ball and completely bamboozling Stevens in goal.

1-0

“Orale pues joven, que golazo!!!!!,” exclaimed Ortega, as Vidmar thrust his shirt over his head and celebrated his goal with arms outstretched.

Ortega himself had dabbled in Rugby, which apparently made him less of a wog, but he still had an ‘ethnic’ surname and spoke in tongues when feeling excited or cheeky. He hadn’t quite reached the status of Aussie – a wog who was so Australianised they cease to be a wog.

Perhaps it was his father’s single silent protest which set back Ortega’s entry into the mainstream. At an official school function, Ortega Senior refused to stand for the toast to the Queen, because the memories of the Falklands War were still far too real. We didn’t realise this of course, and only learned once young Ortega gave us a short history lesson.

I remember thinking, at least he has a reason for remaining seated. I only stood up because the teachers told me to, and I know my classmates didn’t truly know or care why we toasted the British royal family. We also didn’t know or care why we called wogs wogs.

“Come on boys, what’s goin’ on?”, admonished Johnson, “let’s smash ‘em, they’re not that good.”

Bresciano this time fed the ball to Popovic who directed a lovely through ball past two awestruck Aussies and towards Santos. Santos plodded toward the ball and took a massive air swing before falling on his back side. The debating champion attempted to shrug off the failure with self-deprecating laughter, before Fallon asked,

“How are you so bad at soccer Santos, you’re a wog?” and the Aussies enjoyed a chuckle.

Should I laugh? Is Santos truly shrugging this off as friendly banter?  Did these ‘harmless jokes’ seep beneath the skin when the boys got home? When Wogs vs. Aussies was transferred to the Rugby field, my incompetence, and that of Cleary and Stevens, was not linked to our skin colour or racial background.

Cleary was teased that he was hopeless despite being built like a prop, and everyone accepted that Stevens was allowed to ‘suck at Rugby’ because he was an academic genius and computer whiz. That’s also why he was always forced to play keeper.

Me, I was just ‘too skinny for Rugby’. So skinny in fact that my Aussie teammates told me how they wished I could be a wog for a day because they’d love to tackle me and drive me into the turf.

“He is a wog, he’s good at soccer,” they’d say, but their jokes didn’t cut through me like they did the real wogs. Even if I was a wog for a day, it was only a day. I could still return to the White Side and survive the school playground in relative anonymity.

In the meantime, the little master had stepped and swerved his way past the Aussie defenders for another easy goal.

2-0

Mr Brosnan sipped his coffee contentedly while the teenage boys battled for football supremacy. My blustering teammates took advantage of the game’s self-regulation and ‘tackled’ some of the wogs so fiercely that they took possession and managed to feed me the ball. I dodged Rossi and swivelled past Zelic before placing it into the back of the net.

7- 1

My teammates went wild and hurled insults at the wogs with such passion that you’d think they’d won the World Cup. Guys, it’s only one goal. But apparently a goal for the Aussies was worth more than a goal for a wog.

A few more stern challenges and violent toe pokes succeeded in advancing the ball towards Kalac in goal, and a blind thundering kick from Taylor smashed into the hands of Kalac and out the other end.

7 – 2

“Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole,” sang my teammates and I joined them heartily. We were mounting the greatest comeback in the history of world sport and it deserved extravagant celebration. Then the tone of the chanting changed. The universal football chant was distorted with derision and mockery and was peppered with random ‘foreign’ words the Aussies had learned from their multi-cultural classmates. It was as if my teammates had appropriated this ‘ethnic’ chant and were ridiculing it to put the wogs back in their place despite the scoreboard.

Maybe this silently enraged the wogs, and they responded with an all-out assault on our goal. Poor old Stevens was sent diving and gaping for thin air as Vidmar, Bresciano, Arzani et al scored goal after goal.

“Righto boys,” called Mr Brosnan, “time to get changed.”

The massacre had ended.

12 – 2

Yet again, the wogs won, on the field at least.

Image: Pascal Swier

Political Scandal Mix and Match.

Political Scandal Mix and Match is an exciting new card game the whole family can enjoy, and it’s out just in time for Christmas. Match the Australian politician to the scandal they committed and impress family friends with your knowledge of Australia’s crumbling democracy.

Do you know who was responsible for Sports Rorts?

Can you remember who committed adultery with their own staffer?

How did Angus Taylor corrupt his office, and how did Sam Dastyari make headlines for all the wrong reasons?

These questions and more will challenge you in this fun and easy to follow matching game.

Play individually or in teams, with just two sets of cards. One set of cards contains the names of corrupt politicians. The other set contains the specific scandal the politician committed. All you have to do is match the politician to the correct scandal.

It’s That Easy!

Actually, there are a few curve balls thrown in. We can’t make it too easy. Remember that some politicians have committed more than one scandal, so you’ll have to match them with more than one card. What’s more, individual scandals often involved more than one politician, so pay attention.

Political scandals don’t just involve corruption, and this is where the game gets really interesting. Australia’s leaders have abused their office with acts of immoral and unethical behaviour, deceit, neglect and gross incompetence, and this game lets you relive the greatest moments in Australia’s recent political history.

Clear a space on the dining table because there are many cards in this game, detailing the politicians and scandals listed below:

 PoliticianParty
1Scott MorrisonLiberal
2Bridget McKenzieNational
3Angus TaylorLiberal
4Peter DuttonLiberal
5Barnaby JoyceNational
6Michaelia CashLiberal
7Sam DastyariLabour
8Stuart RobertLiberal
9Pauline HansonPHON
10John BarilaroNational
11George ChristensenNational
12Matt CanavanNational
13Andrew RobbLiberal
14Mathias CormannLiberal
15Richard ColbeckLiberal
16Malcolm RobertsPHON
17Andrew BroadNational
18David LittleproudNational
19Alexander DownerLiberal
20Josh FrydenbergLiberal
21Alan TudgeLiberal
22Paul FletcherLiberal
23Christian PorterLiberal
24Sussan LeyLiberal
25Eddie ObeidLabor
26Steve DicksonPHON
27Gladys BerejiklianLiberal
28Daryl MaguireLiberal
 Scandal
1Said Melburnians were afraid to go to restaurants because of African gang violence.
2Made a joke about rising sea levels threatening low-lying Pacific Island nations.
3Sent a text message calling a female journalist a “mad fucking witch”
4Claimed allowing Lebanese Muslims into Australia was a “mistake” and was to blame for higher crime rates in Western Sydney.
5Called refugees “illiterate and innumerate”.
6Proposed a special visa be made available to white South African farmers.
7Labelled Australian Doctor an “online leftist publication that really carries no weight”
8Refused to attend Kevin Rudd’s official apology to the Stolen Generations in 2008, and threatened to resign his portfolio over the issue.
9Overruled the advice of immigration authorities to grant a French woman a visa after being lobbied by AFL boss Gil McLachlan. The Au Pair scandal.
10Sports Rorts
11Unable to cite figures related to deaths in nursing homes, despite being minster responsible for aged care.
12Walked out of the senate while being questioned by the opposition about the aged care sector.
13Helloworld travel scandal
14Claimed that “many instances” of domestic violence allegations are made up by parents to gain custody of their children.
15Called climate change a UN conspiracy
16The sugar baby scandal. Dated and sexted with “Sweet Sophia Rose” during work trip to HK, partially paid for by taxpayers. Story published in New Idea
17had an affair with his staffer, who became pregnant, the subject of a sexual harassment allegation
18Compared gay men to rams having sex in paddocks.
19Said that the role of a father is to take their teenage daughter on a date
20Has direct family links to the $20 million Murray-Darling Basin fraud
21Murray-Darling Basin Watergate scandal
22Bought water through buyback at inflated prices and the funnelled the money to an overseas company based in the Cayman Islands
23Accepted bribes from Woodside Energy while Foreign Affairs Minister. Joined Woodside Energy after retiring from politics
24Bugged offices of Timor Leste government to assist Woodside Energy to gain rights for resource projects in Timor Sea
25Accepted bribes from Chinese officials to finalise a trade deal
26Grassgate
27Accused of criminal behaviour after keeping a man in immigration detention for five days after the man was granted a temporary protection visa.
28Robodebt
29His department released the private welfare details of a Centrelink customer.
30Accused of interfering in a police investigation after phoning the NSW police commissioner
31Witnessed the Prime Minister call NSW police commissioner during an ongoing police investigation.
32Campaign bus scandal
33Accused of falsifying information to attack Sydney lord mayor Clover Moore’s record on climate change
34Her staff alerted the media that police would raid the Melbourne offices of the Australian Workers Union in 2017
35She threatened to name female political staffers “over which… rumours abound”.
36Responsible for ‘unethical’ purchase of land for new Sydney airport. Paid $30 million, land worth $3 million
37Resigned from the front bench due to expenses scandal
38Used taxpayers’ money to attend two New Year’s Eve events hosted by a prominent Queensland businesswoman and donor
39Purchased a $795,000 luxury apartment on the Gold Coast while on a taxpayer funded trip. Claimed it was an impulse purchase.
40tried to claim almost $38,000 for his home internet bill
41Helped a friend and Liberal donor sign a deal in China while holding shares in the company at the centre of the scandal.
42Resigned amid increasing concern over his relationship with China and businessman Huang Xiangmo
43Allowed Sydney-based Top Education Institute to pay a $1,670.82 travel bill after he spent his Parliamentary travel budget.
44Acted in a corrupt manner in relation to cafe leases at Circular Quay
45Misused his position as a Member of Parliament to benefit his family’s financial interests in Direct Health Solutions
46Misused his position as a Member of Parliament to benefit his family’s financial interests in water licences over the family farm
47Sentenced to five years in jail with a non-parole period of three years
48Representations to NSW Minister for Roads on behalf of Mid-Western Regional Council for funding to seal a 1.5 km stretch of roadway near his family property near Mudgee
49Launched Dr. David van Gend’s anti-same sex marriage book
50Called for a ban on Muslim immigration from “radicalised” countries
51Appeared at anti-Islam rallies organised by Geert Wilders and the Reclaim Australia movement
52Compared Safe Schools anti-bullying program to “grooming” by paedophiles
53Tried to ban the burqa
54“why can’t we argue a conspiracy by the UN and most of the world’s scientists?”
55Subject of Australian Federal Police (AFP) enquiries about regular travel and cash transfers to the Philippines for 12 months.
56Reported to be a regular visitor to and big spender at Ponytails strip club in the Philippines
57Paid back more than $2,100 for taxpayer-funded flights and cars linked to trips to the Philippines.
58Undercover footage emerged of him making derogatory comments and touching a dancer at a strip club in Washington DC
59Solicited political donations from the NRA as the US gun lobby encouraged PHON to weaken Australia’s strict gun ownership laws
60Said Australia was “in danger of being swamped by Asians”
61Wore a burqa during Senate question time as part of her push to ban the garment.
62Claimed the 1996 Port Arthur massacre was a government conspiracy
63Failed to declare his family home
64Did not declare his membership of the North Queensland Cowboys when it received a loan from the Northern Australian Infrastructure Facility
65Documents she signed to give her approval of millions of dollars in grants to local councils were later shredded
66Was in a secret relationship with Wagga Wagga MP Daryl Maguire
67He took part in a “cash-for-visa” scheme in which he received tens of thousands of dollars in commissions.
68Caught speeding in a ministerial car, along with other driving infringements
69Tore up agreements to change logging rules in New South Wales to better protect animals that survived recent bushfires
70Sparked an internal war in the NSW Government over koala habitats

This unique boardgame has no age restrictions. That’s right, anyone from nine months to ninety-nine years of age can play this game because Australia’s politicians have committed scandals involving everything from Au Pairs to Aged Care.

What are you waiting for? Order your board game now and pay only $30.00. Yes, buy it now for only $30, (or 10 easy payments of $3) Don’t hesitate, because if you buy this on Christmas Eve, it will cost $300.

Political Corruption Mix and Match, get it now for Christmas.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

Australian Government to Pay Prisoners.

The Australian Government has shocked the world after launching a program to pay lucrative salaries to criminals. The world-first program will award salaries of up to $AU550,000 to prison inmates who have been found guilty of a range of crimes.

Prisoners will collect anywhere between $AU200,000 to $AU550,000 per annum depending on the nature of their crime and their status within the prison system. Prison gang leaders who achieve their title through bullying, cunning, treachery and cruelty stand to benefit the most from the scheme.

The plan was announced during the worst recession in the country since the great depression as Australia continues to suffer the economic consequences of the COVID-19 pandemic. This fact has drawn strong criticism of the scheme from an already frustrated populace, who witnessed the damage to the economy even before the pandemic.

“This plan is preposterous, outrageous, unfathomable and the worst example of public policy in Australian history” claimed critics across mass media.

“Anyone who has been proven to have committed a crime should not be paid a salary by taxpayers, let alone a salary as high as 500,000 dollars. Crimes of any form destroy the fabric of a society and detract from the lives of the victims, and in many cases they threaten the safety of the country and its institutions.”

Commentators questioned how the government could justify the policy when university academics are taking pay cuts or losing their jobs, when workers at the front line of the pandemic are denied sufficient personal protection equipment and when support for family child care expenses is being taken away.

One critic also highlighted the fact that many prisoners would never be able to earn $AU200,000 a year out in the real world.

In response to the criticism of the program, the current Australian government circulated a photo of the Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, building a hen house in his backyard.

Critics and everyday Australian citizens are also horrified that the scheme will award a pension to law breakers once they leave prison. The pension will gift criminals an average of $AU150,000 a year.

“Providing yet more taxpayers’ money to people who have committed crimes is even more ludicrous, especially since many criminals walk out of prison straight into a role as a consultant.

The public would be amazed to discover how many criminals are collecting handsome pay packets from book publishers and from streaming services who pay for inmates’ inside knowledge every time they need to make another gritty reality series about crime and prisons.”

Image: Milad B. Fakurian

Scott Morrison appoints David Dench as Education Advisor.

The Prime Minister of Australia has appointed former AFL player David Dench as Education Advisor in a move that has shocked the nation. Dench will advise the prime minister and the federal Minister for Education Dan Tehan in matters of education pertaining specifically to universities.

“My government is committed to education and to providing world-class facilities and services to the people of this great nation,” Morrison stated.

“Education will make this nation great again and it needs to be properly funded. For this reason, I have personally appointed Mr Dench as Education Advisor with special responsibility for funding.”

Political observers were left stunned by the shock announcement, and questioned the credentials of someone with no political or educational expertise, who made their fame playing Australian Rules Football.

Mr Morrison justified the appointment by referencing Dench’s unique and specific experience with university finances.

Dench spent four months in jail in 2008 as punishment for his role in a scheme to defraud Victoria University out of millions of dollars. The former North Melbourne fullback and captain was charged specifically with nine counts of obtaining property by deception and aiding and abetting the receipt of a secret commission.

“Mr Dench is exactly the person we need advising our government,” said Mr Tehan.

“His interaction with the university sector reflects the funding priorities of the LNP for tertiary education in this country, and his invaluable advice will inform our policies relating to this industry as long as we are in government.”

“Furthermore, the COVID-19 pandemic has greatly impacted upon universities in Australia, particularly as many have lost their overseas students and are struggling financially. The manner in which universities and tertiary institutions are managed in the near future will go a long way towards determining the academic and economic prosperity of the nation, and that is why we are so excited to bring Mr Dench into our ministry in an advisory capacity.”

The prime minister and Mr Tehan refused to be drawn on the exact sum Dench will be paid in his advisory role, but explained that he will share an office with TV host Scott Cam.

Image: Craig Greenhill

Dale Kerrigan to represent Brand Australia.

Dale Kerrigan will promote Brand Australia because he once dug a hole. The popular character from the Australian movie The Castle was chosen by Prime Minister Scott Morrison to serve as international ambassador for a country obsessed with digging holes and taking stuff out of them.

In a classic scene from the movie, Dale’s father Darryl tells the family of his son’s achievement over dinner, boasting,

“Dale dug a hole.”

Throughout the movie, the likable but unremarkable character, portrayed by actor Stephen Curry, does little else to distinguish himself. While his older brother Steve is known as ‘an idea’s man’, and character Lawrence Hammill employs his law degree and intellect to save the family home, Dale digs a hole.

While Steve makes a motorcycle helmet with a built-in brake light, and a brush with a hose in it, mother Sal makes rissoles and Darryl puts reality TV renovators to shame – Dale digs a hole.

Morrison’s enlistment of Kerrigan is being hailed as a PR masterstroke which further entrenches the PMs title of Scotty from Marketing.

“Dale is the perfect person to represent Brand Australia,” announced Scotty.

“His greatest claim to fame is that he dug a hole, and modern-day Australia’s greatest claim to fame is that we dig holes. In fact,” continued Scotty beneath his trademark smirk, “we dig lots of holes and take stuff out of them.”

The holes Scotty referred to are mines, and the stuff taken out of them include natural resources such as coal and other minerals, upon which Australia’s economy is heavily reliant.

“We love digging holes,” Scotty explained, “so much so that we as a nation export almost nothing that requires a university degree to make, and we have one of the least complex economies in the world.”

“Our economy depends enormously on mining, agriculture and tourism and not on technology or innovation like other nations. Internationally we’re seen as environmental pariahs because we keep digging up and burning resources like coal.”

“We need to celebrate our love of digging holes, and that’s what Dale Kerrigan brings to Brand Australia.”

Scotty also explained that Dale epitomises modern-day Australians.

“You might also notice that Dale’s not the brightest spark, and his literacy skills are not the best. Australia is also falling behind in literacy and numeracy rankings worldwide, and my government’s funding cuts to education should ensure we fall even further behind international standards in the future.”

Scotty was asked what happens when we dumb down as a nation and lack the ability to diversify and strengthen our economy. He replied;

“We dig more holes.”

Image: http://www.celebrity.nine.com.au

What’s the difference between a koala and a paedophile?

What’s the difference between a koala and a paedophile?

Nobody wants to hug a paedophile.

True, but there is another difference. In Australia right now, some paedophiles enjoy more protection than koalas.

Child molesters are currently receiving protection form religious organisations such as the Catholic Church. Historical records have revealed that many guilty child molesters were not prosecuted for their crimes, and were simply moved to another parish or district, where many of them offended again.

These facts came to light during the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse. Another revelation was the protection paedophiles receive within confession. The law of the Catholic Church states that anything that is said by a person to a priest in confession is between the confessor, the priest and God. Therefore, if a person admits to committing child abuse during confession, that crime will not be reported to police.

The Royal Commission attempted to change this law. A recommendation attempted to force priests to report admissions of child abuse to police in order to help reduce or eliminate acts of child abuse in the future. Senior figures within the Catholic Church have since publicly stated that they will refuse to pass on admissions of crimes to police, even though this is blatantly breaking the law.

Church authorities are adamant that they will protect the sanctity and secrecy of confession – rather than protect victims of child abuse.

Koalas, meanwhile, are being offered very little protection in Australia. Such is the state of the koala population throughout the country that experts claim our national symbol could become extinct by 2050.

Koalas suffered massively during the most recent bush fires, and will not get their homes back until the charred bush land regenerates, which could take many years. Further habitat is being destroyed by rampant land clearing throughout the country.

The animals are regularly killed by feral animals such as wild dogs and are victims of road accidents, especially at night. Shrinking habitat due to urban expansion has caused a shortage of food and damage to their gene pool which provokes diseases. Drought leaves them with insufficient water to drink and excessive, unseasonal heat kills them.

The cuddly and lovable animals are also under threat from specific resource projects, including:

Brandy Hill quarry extension in Port Stephens, NSW

Shenhua Watermark coalmine near Gunnedah, NSW

Blueberry farming around Coffs Harbour, NSW

Land clearing in north-west NSW.

Child abusers, meanwhile, are also receiving financial support. Australian taxpayers fund religious organisations and religious organisations often pay no tax, because they are religious organisations. Koalas, meanwhile, are losing their habitat and their lives because countless programs and organisations designed to protect them are being de-funded or under-funded.

Current environmental policies in Australia, and the refusal of church organisations to report child abuse to authorities, indicates that some paedophiles are more of a protected species that koalas.

Perhaps we need to dress koalas in a cloak and collar.

RSPCA raids Parliament House.

The Royal Society for the Protection and Care of Animals (RSPCA) has carried out raids on Australia’s federal parliament in response to repeated reports of animal cruelty.

The animal welfare organisation carried out the raids in Canberra after mounting evidence linked the destruction of Australia’s wildlife to the actions and policies of politicians.

“Australia is killing its native animals,” stated a spokesperson for the RSPCA “This is the direct result of decisions made by politicians from all sides of politics.”

“Australia has the highest rate of native mammal extinction in the world, despite the fact that non-indigenous Australians have only been here for about 230 years.”

The raids uncovered deliberate policies and gross inaction from the major political parties which have contributed to the decline of native animals across the country.

Documents, archival records and electronic communication revealed that native animals are disappearing due to the presence of feral animals, the climate crisis, bush fires, reliance on fossil fuel, land clearing and drought.

Feral animals such as cats, foxes and cane toads have wiped out many native animals, and feral horses continue to cause widespread ecological damage in alpine regions, despite decades of requests from numerous groups to have the brumbies removed.

Feral and domestic cats are still the most destructive introduced species in the country, but domestic cats are still allowed to roam freely day and night, and cat breeding is still a legal and lucrative business.

The climate crisis was also discovered to have detroyed many of the county’s native animals, and Australia has played a large part in this ongoing disaster.

“Australia has the highest per-capita carbon footprint in the world,” explained the spokesperson, “…and scientific evidence tells us that this is caused largely by the burning of fossil fuels and traditional agricultural methods. Despite this, politicians from both parties insist on opening new fossil fuel projects and neglecting renewable energy.”

The RSPCA is itself heavily involved in the rehabilitation of native wildlife which suffered due to the most recent bush fires, and found that a comprehensive plan to prevent further destructive bush fires has still not been developed.

“Habitat loss is another major contributor to native animal deaths, and some experts believe Koalas could become extinct in the near future. Despite this, politicians are drafting new laws to allow more land clearing, or failing to enforce existing laws which prevent land clearing.”

The raids also uncovered gross incompetence and corruption in the management of water resources in the world’s driest continent, particularly along the Murray-Darling basin.

“The Murray-Darling debacle has caused yet more native wildlife to perish, and this network stretches across various states. For this reason, we will also conduct raids on state and territory parliaments in the near future if the country’s water resources, and other natural resources, are not properly managed to give native wildlife a fair dinkum chance to survive and prosper.”

In response to the raids, Prime Minister Scott Morrison took a photo with a wombat.

I Spy…

“I spy with my little eye, something beginning with ‘A'”

“Australia”

“Yes, it’s something in Australia, but be more specific.”

“Australian animals”

“No”

“Angophoras”

“No”

“Asylum seekers”

“No”

“Androids and Apples”

“No”

“AAP”

“AAP?”

“Yeah, Australian Associated Press, the news service providing objective, balanced news to media networks in Australia and overseas.”

“No”

“ABC”

“Your ABC?”

“That’s the one.”

“No”

“Activists”

“No”

“Activism?”

“No”

“Anti-Adani laws”

“No”

“Aged care residents”

“No”

“Altruists”

“No”

“Atheism”

“No”

“Academia”

“No”

“Academics?”

“No”

“Artists”

“No”

“This is really hard.”

“Keep trying. You’re close. It’s related to all of the guesses you’ve had so far.”

“I know, AUTHORITARIANISM”

“YES”

Image: http://www.smh.com.au

Tony Abbott: ‘Let Drug Addicts Die.’

Former Prime Minister of Australia Tony Abbott has demanded that all drug addicts in Australia be refused medical treatment or rehabilitation and be left to die.

Abbott made the comments after also calling for an end to COVID-19 restrictions, which would likely result in the deaths of many elderly Australians but would open up the economy.

“Nobody is forced to take drugs,” Abbott announced from London, where he is set to advise the UK government on matters of trade.

“Anyone who is proven to have taken illicit drugs, or even taken an excessive amount of prescription medication, should be left to die. We should stop offering medical treatment and rehabilitation services to these people because they are damaging Australia.”

Abbott then explained why he had taken this stance, even after attracting a lot of criticism for his comments regarding elderly Australians.

“People take drugs by choice and they put themselves in a position to die or fall seriously ill, and it is their fault if they die. Admittedly, some people may turn to drugs after experiencing significant trauma, such as fighting in wars which politicians instigate, but you can’t tell me those young kids popping pills at music festivals are suffering trauma.”

“Illicit drug use and the drug trade cause enormous damage to Australian society. Taxpayers fund rehabilitation, training and housing services for addicts, so letting them die would boost the nation’s economy. Drug use tears families apart and takes food off the table. What’s more, we know drug addicts can often be found in prison and on the unemployment lines.”

Critics of Abbott’s proposal pointed out that letting drug addicts die would leave some children without parents, to which he replied,

“Addicts are rarely good parents.”

The former national leader also claimed that refusing to provide medical treatment to drug addicts would free up ambulances and hospital beds for other people in need of these services, including the victims of drug-related crimes or accidents.

“Refusing to treat drug addicts at medical facilities should reduce our overall health budget and allow us to spend money in other areas.”

“As a nation, we devote so much time, money and effort to rehabilitation services, but we know that most addicts don’t quit taking drugs.”

Abbott would not be drawn on whether he supports the decriminalisation of illicit drugs. Proponents argue that this would reduce the crime associated with drug dealing turf wars. Drugs would be decriminalised but rehabilitation services would be scrapped entirely, and the money currently spent on rehab would be redirected to extra police in order to combat the subsequent rise in crime from drug addicts desperate to fund their next hit.

It is not clear whether Abbott suggested the move in order to help reduce the world’s populations, as overpopulation is the biggest problem currently facing the planet. As a conservative politician and staunch capitalist, Abbott would generally favour a large population which contributes to continued economic growth.

The Australian government has so far distanced itself from Abbott’s comments, and this latest controversy may explain why he was sent to England.

Image: Mark Nolan, Getty Images