Bondi Needs a Private Beach Club.

The famous sands of Bondi Beach could soon enjoy an injection of culture if the Amalfi Beach Club is approved. The private club would cordon off 2% of the beach and deliver desperately needed joie de vivre to the beach and the region.

La Gente Bonita

La Gente Bonita are ‘Beautiful People’. They are attractive, effortlessly sophisticated, wealthy and popular, and need a private club in order to socially distance themselves from the great unwashed. They carry an exclusive strain of the COVID-19 virus, which can improve one’s career prospects if transmitted from one high net worth individual to another. Beautiful People pine for the gender stereotypes of the 1950s, as the Amalfi males are doctors, surgeons, business owners and entrepreneurs, while the women can aspire to success only in fashion, advertising, beauty and modelling.

High Disposable Income

Beautiful People with high disposable income will fill the sun loungers and cabanas because they hold a BPass, or Bondi Passport. Lower middle-class Sydneysiders are also known to enjoy spending their disposable income, but they do not qualify for a BPass.

O’Brien Estate

The exclusive club would be established on a patch of sand called O’Brien Estate, named in honour of Francis O’Brien. He previously owned the land surrounding Bondi Beach and attempted to block public access in the 1880’s after the beach became too popular.

It’s Black and White

While the masses will jostle for clean waves between the red and yellow flags, Beautiful People can swim in serenity between the black and white flags which mark the boundaries of O’Brien’s Estate.

Backpacker’s Rip

Backpacker’s Rip will be re-engineered to constantly tow the great unwashed away from the Amalfi Club, and backpackers will have to drown at another part of the beach if they want a cameo on Bondi Rescue.

Lifeguard recruitment

Waverley Council will form a special unit of lifeguards plucked from the pages of social media, and the aesthetically gifted lifeguards will patrol the sands and the surf around the private club. Only bronzed, buffed, bedazzling beings need apply.

Unfounded criticism

Locals and Sydneysiders argue that it is UnAustralian to pay to enjoy the beach. They claim it is an attack on Australian values to pay for what has always been an egalitarian space, while others are denied this right. They argue that this would be akin to having to pay exorbitant fees to ensure a strong education for your child, or having to pay a fortune to secure reliable home internet access.

Proponents of the private club refute these claims.

“Gazing longingly at 100 beautiful people sipping on cocktails while marauding teenagers kick sand in your face is sure to lift community morale.”

Image: http://www.timeout.com

First published in The Beast magazine, December 2020

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s