EXCLUSIVE: The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, has been found guilty of the highest form of treason and will become the first leader of Australia to spend the rest of his life in prison. Morrison was found to have knowingly engaged in UnAustralian activities and will be immediately transferred from The Lodge to a maximum-security facility on Christmas Island.
The sudden removal of the prime minister and the ensuing silence from the Department of Home Affairs will no doubt prompt wild speculation as to the specific actions which landed Morrison in prison.
Pundits are expected to cite the corruption, adultery and endless scandals of his LNP colleagues, and his unwavering devotion to the fossil fuel industry, which will see the opening of new coal mines, including one directly underneath Sydney’s water catchment. Fingers will be pointed at the SportsRorts saga, the trial of Witness K, the military budget and the collusion with Clive Palmer which helped Morrison to win the unwinnable federal election.
Blame will undoubtedly be laid at Morrison’s attempt to re-write Australian history by publicly denying the existence of slavery in the country, and the country’s steady descent into authoritarianism under his rule.
Anonymous sources within the Department of Home Affairs have suggested to The Beast that the dismissal may have been a reaction to Morrison’s adoption of socialism during the COVID-19 pandemic. The use of state money to pay the wages of thousands of citizens for an extended period of time may have boosted his approval rating, conceded the source, but angered powerful elements within the hard right of the LNP.
An accusation of treason implies an attack on the core values and traditions of a nation; an act as treacherous as eating a meat pie with cutlery, drinking warm beer, enjoying a burger without beetroot or knowing all the words to Advance Australia Fair. It could even include hoarding toilet paper. Morrison, however, has done something far worse, something that strikes at the very heart of the nation.
“He switched footy teams,” explained the source.
“Scott Morrison was born and raised in the heartland of the Sydney/ Eastern Suburbs Roosters, but now supports the Cronulla Sharks. You don’t do that”
“Even if switching teams wins votes in the Shire and smooths the path to the nation’s top job, you don’t switch footy teams. It’s UnAustralian.”
Morrison, meanwhile, has been denied the right to a fair trial and the right to comment publicly, but did manage to slip a short statement to the magazine which represents the people of his homeland.
“If you’re thinking of switching footy teams halfway through your life, don’t do it. Just don’t do it.”
First published in The Beast magazine, September 2020
Image: Craig Greenhill